


I have waited oh, so long (please don't tell me baby I was wrong)

by Ziamismyotp



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Happy ending though, M/M, also liam gets jealous at one point, and danielle is only mentioned, another story with excessive commas, because when do I ever write something without angst, but he deserved it okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-26
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-05-22 23:09:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6097033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziamismyotp/pseuds/Ziamismyotp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And It’s these simple things-- the way Liam is so attentive, how he just knows how Zayn likes to wear his scarf and which pocket he stuffed his gloves, how even without words Liam still manages to show Zayn he cares-- that makes Zayn love him so much. That make it so easy to put himself in this position over and over and over again. Without hesitation. Without a care that he’s just breaking his own heart.</p><p>"It’s not always going to be like this."</p><p>(Or where, Liam keeps making promises, Zayn keeps clinging to them, Harry's smells bullshit, and Louis and Niall pop up a few times)</p>
            </blockquote>





	I have waited oh, so long (please don't tell me baby I was wrong)

**Author's Note:**

> So I haven't posted anything in awhile and this story I started a long ass time ago and only recently gotten back into. I didn't read over it much because I just wanted to post it already so all mistakes are my own and yada yada. 
> 
> This was inspired by true events though of course I changed it up because otherwise it wouldn't have had a happy ending. The ending would have actually been really fucking shitty and I'd have to delete my account in order to cope.
> 
> So yeah, I feel like it gets kind've rushed and I take blame because I got impatient but I'm still gonna post it. Alright, I'm gonna cut this short, usually my notes are longer and filled with whining and a lot more enthusiasm but it's midnight and I work early tomorrow so yeah.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own anyone.
> 
> Also the title is from a song I've never actually listened to but I found online and it's called "I have waited so long" by Foreigner.

If he keeps his eyes closed he can pretend this is real.

 

The arm wrapped tightly around his waist, the legs tangled with his, the strong chest pressed against his back. The large hand that's curled around his bare hip and the soft lips brushing over the back of his neck, just over the tattoo stained there. He can pretend all of it is real and that it's all his.

 

He can pretend this is how it always was and how it always will be. He can pretend they’ll wake up just like this in the morning, wrapped up in each other. He can pretend they’ll kiss soft and languid, because they have all the time in the world. They'll get out of bed eventually, brush their teeth and eat breakfast, then lunch, and then dinner together. He can pretend he has a life with this man under the covers with him. Not a wrong and secretive one, but a real one. One where he doesn’t have to hide. One that doesn’t _hurt_.

 

He can pretend but in the end that won’t actually make it real--

 

“She’ll be here soon.”

 

\--specially when those sweet lips speak quiet words that make his heart ache.

 

Zayn tries to swallow but those words bring a lump so large to his throat that he thinks he could choke on it. He blinks his eyes open, hates how they’re so blurry already and how his eyelashes stick together from the tears that want to pour out. He sits up, Liam’s arms loosening their grip so Zayn can do so. Liam’s hand lingers on his hip, his fingers moving slightly, gently, over his sharp hip bone and Zayn wants to shove it away, the anger and shame exposing itself again, washing over him just like it does every time. But he doesn’t because he knows Liam’s not trying to hurt him, even if his touch burns like a hot torch to his skin.

 

He hangs his head for a moment, sitting at the edge of the bed just so he can gather himself and not look so pathetic with tears clinging to his eyes. He breathes in, pushing down the need to cry, to tear at his hair about so many things, and leans down to grab his pants from the floor. He pulls them up to his thighs and stands up, Liam’s hand falling onto the mattress with a soft thump, and pulls them the rest of the way. He refuses to turn around, to look at Liam all comfortable and bare in that big king size bed, because at this point he knows it’d just do more harm. It’d just hurt more that he can’t climb back in, that Danielle is going to come back and find Liam just like this and try to join him probably while Zayn is back at his flat feeling worthless, questioning if he is enough for Liam and if he will ever be.

 

He grabs his sweater and pulls that over his head, then his socks and he finally turns around, expecting to find Liam still in bed but instead finding him pulling on his boxers and moving around the bed to stop in front of him. Zayn doesn't allow his eyes to linger, to take in the muscle and the little hairs on Liam's chest that Zayn loves to finger at, because now it feels wrong. His little fantasy is broken and he's back in reality, standing in the mix of a shit storm where it feels like the harsh rain is pelting down on him, the wind unforgiving.

 

It feels like the storm is winning too. It's overwhelming him and he's not allowed to reach out to Liam for that safety, not at this moment, not anymore. He'll stand in the downpour, drowning until the next time he sees Liam, till the next time he can reach out and breathe shallow air into his lungs.

 

“I’ll walk you out.” Liam says with a soft smile, as if everything is okay, as if he isn't watching Zayn crumble under the storm. But Zayn can see the guilt in his eyes and that helps a little because at least it shows that Liam knows what he’s doing to him, to _her_ , is wrong.

 

“You don’t need too, I know my way out.” Zayn says, a bit of sourness to his tone that he doesn’t mean to include. It makes Liam wince, very slightly but still noticeable.

 

Liam sighs. “C’mon.” he says, putting a hand on Zayn’s lower back and leading him out of the room, down the stairs that creak quietly under their weight, like the bed not that long ago when everything was good.

 

He leads him through the living room and to the front door and it kind of feels like Liam’s trying to force him out faster. It could be just all be in his mind but it's there in the slight pressure of Liam's fingertips and he knows on some level that he's right.

 

They stop at the door and Zayn pulls on his boots, then his coat. When he reaches to grab his scarf Liam’s already got it in his hands and he’s wrapping it carefully around Zayn’s neck, reaching down to button his coat up with strong fingers and tucking the scarf neatly inside. He goes into Zayn’s pocket and pulls out the balled up gloves, reaching for Zayn’s hands and sliding them carefully over his fingers, his thumb dragging over the small bird outline on Zayn's skin before it disappears behind the black material.

 

And It’s these simple things-- the way Liam is so attentive, how he just knows how Zayn likes to wear his scarf and which pocket he stuffed his gloves, how even without words Liam still manages to show Zayn he cares-- that makes Zayn love him so much. That make it so easy to put himself in this position over and over and _over_ again. Without hesitation. Without a care that he’s just breaking his own heart.

 

“It’s not always going to be like this.” Liam promises softly, almost sounding sad as he fixes the fingers of the gloves so they rest properly. When they’re well adjusted Liam still holds his hand, his eyes coming up to meet Zayn’s and there’s a plea in them, one Zayn has seen and heard many times before and he nods numbly. “I promise.”

 

Liam’s tone sounds like a _‘don’t let go just yet’_ and a _‘just a little longer’_ and Zayn believes him, he always believes him.

 

“Okay.” Is all Zayn mutters, barely a whisper, and Liam leans down to drop a soft kiss to his lips, their fingers tangling together, and Zayn hates himself for holding on so tight, for the constant ball of fear in his tummy that this could be the last kiss they share. That Liam will suddenly decide Danielle really is who he wants to be with and Zayn will be left broken and lost.

 

And he hates himself because he knows he shouldn’t doubt Liam, knows he just needs some time. Or _Danielle_ just needs some time, time to get herself together, to find a job and once she's gotten one, once she can support herself then Liam will break up with her because regardless whether he wants to be with her or not, he still cares for her, still wants to make sure she'll be fine without him and Zayn understands that. That's just the kind of person Liam is. He just cares a lot and Zayn can't help but admire that.

 

So he just needs to be patient. It’ll happen, they’ll be together. Liam doesn’t love her. He just needs some time.

 

Zayn hates how _'a little more time'_ is starting to leave a choking pressure in his chest. _How much time is a little more time?_

 

Liam raises Zayn's hand to his lips, whispering, "I love you" into the fabric layering his knuckles.

 

"I love you too." he returns and the underlying desperation could shame him.

 

And they pull apart and Zayn separates their hands, stuffing his own in his pockets as Liam opens the door for him, bringing a hand to the back of his neck and kissing his temple once before Zayn is out of the door, walking down the stone steps and towards his car across the street (because the driveway is too risky-he scoffs).

 

He doesn’t look back to check if Liam is still watching him.

  


::::::::

  
  


When Zayn lies in bed most nights he's kept awake, staring at the ceiling in the dark, with thoughts crushing against his skull.

 

He knows it's wrong what he's doing. Sneaking around with a man who is already in a relationship. He's not only hurting himself but he's hurting the poor women who is unbeknownst to the fact that her boyfriend is cheating on her with _another man_ and that he's pushing her to get a job because he wants to kick her out. He feels bad, is the thing. He was raised better than this, his mother and baba always told him, _"You need to think of others as well, Jaan. If you wouldn't want it done to you then don't do it to someone else"_. He feels, right now, that his parents would be very disappointed in him.

 

And sometimes Zayn thinks about stopping this whole thing because he's going against who he is and what his parents expect from him. He's lowering himself, he's being reckless and selfish. And who's to say everything Liam is telling him isn't a lie. He snickers to himself, because he knows that's not true.

 

That still doesn't stop the he flashes he gets of them eating dinner together, chatting about their days, laughing and sharing these smiles, these looks. Images of them rolling around in bed together though Liam distinctly told him they haven't touched each other in a year.

 

But his blood still boils and he still wants to pick up the phone and tell Liam that _he_ , Zayn, deserves better than this.

 

But then he remembers how far they've come, how much pain and tears and faith he put into Liam. He remembers Liam's words and promises, and the _'just a little more time'_ and he knows he can't let go yet because tomorrow could be the day. Tomorrow could be the day all this sneaking around ends, when Liam finally tells her he doesn't want to be with her, that she needs to leave and Zayn can finally take her place and be with the man he loves.

 

And that's what keeps him hanging on, really. The promise.

 

But a part of him wonders how much time is too much time still.

 

It's almost been 2 years.

  


::::::::

  


_Miss you_

 

He rereads the text a couple times, wondering if it was a mistake to send because Liam hasn't answered and it's been 4 hours and he feels stupid now.

 

He puts his phone down, shaking his head, and picks up the brush again, going back to work and trying to keep his mind off of Liam and the frustration that always seems to come along with him.

  


::::::::

  


His client loves it, gushes about how well the colors blend and rants on and on about what she thinks the painting is about, what she feels when she looks at it. And Zayn stands back and aborbs, smiles and accepts her compliments, feeling proud that he's received this kind of reaction since he had been nervous about how much he delved into it and gave more than what was asked for.

 

And that's something he does a lot. He gets carried away, gives more of himself than he means too and it's something he's working on in a lot of different aspects of his life.

 

"It's stunning, really Zayn! Would look amazing hanging in my bar, matches the color scheme and everything."  JoJo grins, holding the large canvas in her hands. JoJo is the owner of this sort of hole-in-the-wall bar she inherited from her grandmother, where she holds poetry nights and gigs for small, unknown bands. It wasn't always like this, it use to be a nice quaint little coffee shop with antique-ish furniture. Now the lighting is always practically off with how dim it's set and there's patched up couches and wobbly tables with chairs that don't quite match. There's neon paint splattered on the walls and a stage across from the wall that looks like it's seen better days. But it's always clean and feels homely and welcoming and JoJo seems to like it like that, poor and a bit tattered, because she gets enough business to fancy it up but never does. Her customers seem to like it as well since they always come back. Aesthetic or something like that.

 

Zayn ducks his head shyly, smiling to himself. He's always been a little uncomfortable receiving praise for his art but it also makes him feel good, feel proud of himself. "Thank you."

 

JoJo suggests a price, grinning at him in excitement and it's a higher price than he was going to request because she's a regular and he doesn't like to charge her a lot, she gives him enough business and publicity to even get a couple free. "And don't tell me that's a lot because you deserve more. Probably took you ages to do this."

 

And well, she's not wrong.

 

"Yeah, thanks, JoJo." he smiles sheepishly, accepting the check she scribbles out and hands him.

 

"See you in February for the gallery, yeah? If you need me before though, just call."

 

Zayn nods.

 

"Good, looking forward to it!" She kisses his cheek and leaves and Zayn locks the door behind her, heading back to his room to put the check in his dresser with the others he has yet to cash and clean up. He no doubt has paint on his face because there's a lot on his hands and when he checks in the mirror he wonders how JoJo even recognized him. (Or, okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration).

 

He takes a long shower, scrubbing all of the paint off his body and washing out his hair, finding traces of gold and orange in it.

 

When he gets out, he throws on joggers and a t shirt, and drops ungracefully onto his bed before snatching his phone from the nightstand.

 

_Miss u 2 love come ovr_

 

Zayn's throat constricts and he's got a mixture of excitement and guilt swirling around in his stomach.

 

_Now?_

 

He sends, his phone vibrating a few minutes after. And Zayn wonders if Liam took so long to text back because Danielle was on the phone, and that makes him feel queasy.

 

_Yah :)_

 

Zayn hates himself a little for being so quick to jump at any opportunity to spend time with Liam. He feels a bit pathetic about it but he still changes quickly into something more presentable, a loose white long sleeve and black jeans, a pair of boots. His hair's a mess so he shoves a beanie over it and leaves his room, down the hall to the coat closet. He's just slipping on his coat when he hears the door knob being wiggled and he curses under his breathe.

 

Harry steps through, tossing his keys in the little bowl on the small brown table by the door. He turns as he unzips his coat and spots Zayn, a smile stretching his purple (assumably from the cold but you never know with Harry) lips.

 

"Hey, Z." He beams. "Leaving?"

 

Zayn nods silently, buttoning his coat.

 

"Where you going, I'll go with."

 

Zayn winces and looks up, offers Harry a sheepish smile. "I don't think you'll want to go where I'm going."

 

And then Harry's smile drops. He rolls his eyes, frowning tightly and shrugging off his coat, stepping past Zayn to hang it up.

 

"Yeah, you're right." he agrees in a snappy tone.

 

Zayn sighs but pockets his keys and steps in front of the door. "I'll be back later, kay?"

 

Harry shrugs and walks away, down the hall and out of sight and Zayn sighs again, closing the door softly behind him.

  


::::::::

  


Zayn's stomach still flips at the idea of seeing Liam, his hands shaking a little when he lifts one to knock on the door. He slips off his gloves, stuffing them in his pocket and swiping his sweaty hands on his jeans.

 

Liam opens the door in a black hoodie with a happy smile on his lips, reaching forward and circling his fingers around Zayn's wrist to pull him in. Zayn hates himself a little for noticing such small things, but his stomach still turns, his cheeks stinging red not from cold but from anger when Liam closes the door first, locking it securely before he kisses him. But Zayn can't remain mad because Liam kisses him long and so gentle, the tips of his fingers applying little pressure to his jaw and running softly down his neck and it sends chills along his skin.

 

He pulls back, and Zayn's eyes flutter open, a new flush on his cheeks. He fumbles with the buttons on his coat and Liam chuckles, helping him the rest of the way. He slips the coat off Zayn's shoulders, pressing little kisses over his clothed skin, and sets it on the doorknob of the coat closet so he can lead Zayn deeper into the house.

 

"Guess what." Liam says like an excited child just as they round the corner.

 

Zayn rolls his eyes fondly but plays along. "What?"

 

"I ordered chinese food and got all three Spiderman movies lined up for us to watch tonight. I know you're not a big fan of the third which is why I thought we could watch it backwards, save the best for last, yeah?" Liam's giddy as he speaks, leading them into the living room. When Zayn looks up, opening his mouth to answer but nothing comes out and he's pleasantly surprised to find Liam has... redecorated, for lack of better words.

 

The couches and coffee table are pushed off to the side, leaving a large empty space on the hardwood floor that's layered with thick blankets and too many pillows to count accurately. The lighting is off and there's candles on top of every flat surface to give a nice low glow to the room. The flat screen hangs on the wall, the menu of the last Spiderman movie on the screen and he's kind of speechless.

 

Liam looks at him expectantly, grinning and Zayn's stomach tickles. He swallows. "What's this?"

 

Liam shrugs, stepping forward to take Zayn in the circle of his arms, Zayn's hands instantly traveling up Liam's arms to rest on his shoulders. "Just wanted to do something nice for you."

 

He pecks him on the lips and Zayn smiles, biting the inside of his cheek to try and control it. His chest feels warm and all he wants to do is curl inside Liam's arms and never leave because he's so sweet and incredible and Zayn loves him so much, to the point where it just  _bloody aches_.

 

He slides his hands up to rest on Liam's cheeks as he leans up to kiss him properly. "You're wonderful, love you a lot."

 

Liam smiles against his mouth, his arms tightening around his waist. "Love you more."

 

"Doubt it." Zayn returns. It's suppose to be playful but on some level he truly has this feeling that Liam's love for him doesn't and never will measure up to how much Zayn feels for him. He'll never express that, though.

 

"C'mon." Liam urges, releasing his hold on him and sliding their fingers together. Zayn slips off his shoes and lets Liam lead him fully into the living room and onto the blankets. He lets Liam's hand go and sits, finding it's rather comfortable, enough blankets so the floor doesn't feel too hard underneath him.

 

"You can't be comfortable in those all night, hold on."

 

Liam disappears to get him something else to wear, Zayn assumes, so he unbuttons his pants, sliding out of them and discarding them across the room. Liam appears again with black joggers, handing them to him with a remorseful look. "I shouldn't even give these to you, you should just stay like that. And also without a shirt on."

 

Zayn snorts and snatches the pants, pulling them on as Liam laughs and heads to the kitchen, returning with a bag of chinese food.

 

In the back of his mind, Zayn wonders where Danielle is, if she's going to be out all night because Liam's acting as if Zayn's sleeping over. He wants to ask but a big part of him doesn't want to know, a big part of him just wants to enjoy this moment and pretend everything is alright. Pretend she doesn't even _exist_.

 

Liam plops down in front of him, grabbing the remote to the tv and hitting _play_. He begins emptying the bag after that, splaying out the tupperwares and cartons and Zayn's stomach twists with hunger as the smell gets stronger.

 

"I can't believe you did all this." Zayn grins, still a little in awe as he watches Liam pop off the lids. "You're incredibly sappy sometimes."

 

"Well dad raised me right, says if you've got someone special, should treat them special." Liam tells him and Zayn's a little dizzy.

 

"Oh god, you just keep getting sappier." he breathes, because he has no idea how to respond to that that's appropriate for dinner.

 

Liam laughs, his cheeks pink, and Zayn can't help but lean forward, resting his weight on his hands so he can drop a kiss to Liam's lips. Liam returns it and Zayn sits back, picking up his fork. It's pretty obvious that, at least right now, they aren't going to pay much attention to the movie and Zayn doesn't mind that much.

 

"So, did you finish that piece for JoJo?" Liam asks around a mouth full of pork fried rice and Zayn chuckles, stabbing a broccoli and chewing it happily.

 

"Yeah, finished it this morning and then she picked up before I left to come here. he tells him, also adding, "She loved it."

 

"Not surprised." Liam grins, a pride radiating off it. "Did you take a picture?"

 

Zayn winces a little. "No, forgot. I'm sorry."

 

Liam pouts, a sliver of disappointment in his eyes. "It's okay, wish I could have saw it though."

 

Liam's always appreciated Zayn's art the most out of all his mates. Back in University he'd go to every one of Zayn's art shows whether they were simple displays of projects in the classroom or important art department organized galleries with pieces he'd worked on all school year, pouring all his time and energy into them. Liam always asked the most questions, showed the most interest, gave the most praise. And he's not saying that the rest of the lads, Harry, Lou and Niall, weren't supportive because they really were, but just not as much as Liam.

 

And as for the pictures, he'll usually take a few of the pieces he's finished and Liam never got a chance to see.

 

"I'm showing at a gallery in two months, though, I don't know if i've mentioned it." Zayn says, a bit shyly, he just really wants Liam to go. "If you want to come. You don't have to, though."

 

Liam drops his fork, looking at Zayn like he's daft. "Of course I want to go. Have I missed any of your galleries before?"

 

Zayn smiles, shaking his head at himself. "No."

 

"Exactly." Liam says firmly, a smile tilting his lips. "Love your art, love you."

 

And Zayn has to stuff more food in his mouth to minimize his grin.

 

They finish eating half way through the third movie and Liam pushes everything off to the side, leaning back on the mountain of pillows and pulling Zayn into the v of his legs so his back is against Liam's chest. He runs his hands down Liam's forearms to tangle his fingers with his where they drag along the hem of his shirt.

 

During the second movie Liam is dragging his lips softly along his neck, one of his hands running through his hair, massaging his scalp after he tugged off the beanie. It's all very nice and Zayn relaxes into it, lulling his head onto Liam's shoulder so he has more access to the skin of his neck.

 

But then towards the end of Spiderman 2, Liam gets a little more handsy, trailing along the inside of Zayn's thighs with one hand, another snaking under his shirt to feel along his stomach. His kisses turn into soft bites and licks and Zayn shivers against him when he sucks the sensitive area under his ear.

 

" _Leeyum_." He complains though it's weak and only half-hearted. "We're suppose to be watching the movie."

 

"Mm," he hums against his neck. "How am I supposed to watch the movie when you're so distracting."

 

At that he cups Zayn's chin and turns his head so he can kiss him, pushing his tongue past his lips. He responds immediately, of course, pushing more into the kiss but the angle is a bit awkward and hurts his neck so he pulls away, quickly turning so he can straddle Liam's lap and press their lips together again, cupping the side of Liam's neck as his hands run from Zayn's thighs to his hips, holding on tightly.

 

He can still taste the rice and chow mein on Liam's tongue and he hums, licking further into his mouth. Liam's hands glide down his back before they grab at the end of his shirt and he's pulling Zayn's shirt up and off of his torso. He moves his hands along Zayn's skin, leaving goosebumps in their wake and Zayn, because it's only fair, urges Liam's shirt off of him as well. Once both their shirts are tossed somewhere off to the side, Liam's arms lock and tighten around him and Zayn suddenly finds himself being flipped over, his back hitting the layers of blankets and half a pillow.

 

Liam dips back down, his lips attaching to the side of Zayn's neck and dragging along there. His arms bracket Zayn's head as he continues to suck and mark his skin, drawing little noises past Zayn's lips and Zayn takes it upon himself to trail his hands down Liam's sides and latch his fingers to the hem of his jeans.

 

Liam groans once he registers Zayn's fingers working the button of his jeans and he leans back for a moment to get them off the rest of the way. Zayn takes the opportunity to slide down his--Liam's--joggers and kick them off his feet before Liam's back ontop of him and quickly taking both of them in his hand. At some point he must've spit in his hand and he uses that and Zayn’s precum to jerk them off together. Zayn mewls at the contact and bucks into Liam’s fist. They meet for another kiss but Zayn has to break away when all he can really do is breathe into Liam's mouth. He pants into Liam’s neck when he feels that familiar build up in his stomach and within moments he’s coming, thrusting into Liam’s fist and biting down on his collarbone. Liam follows a second after, burying his face in Zayn’s neck and jerking himself until he can’t ride out his orgasm anymore.

 

Liam's arms give out soon after and the air is knocked out of him when Liam drops flat on top of him, blanketing his body with his own.

 

"Liam." Zayn groans, trying to push at Liam's shoulders but he's like a bloody dead weight on top of him and honestly he's too warn out to put in much effort.

 

"Shhh." Liam hushes, sounding amused with his face stuffed in Zayn's neck. "Tired now."

 

"What're you doing."

 

Liam moves his arms to grab Zayn's hands from where they're still shoving at his shoulders and pin them to the floor.

 

"Babe." He whines. "I can't breathe"

 

"Then how are you talking?"

 

Zayn glares, though half-heartedly,  and tries to slap Liam upside the head before he remembers he has no mobile access to his hands. "You are an arse." Liam chuckles against his skin and Zayn can't help but smile despite himself. "How long you gonna keep me like this?"

 

"I don't know, pretty comfy." Liam wiggles on top of him. "And I like laying on you, know you can't go anywhere then."

 

Zayn rolls his eyes, bites back the bitter _it's not me who's running away_ and instead says, "What if I need to piss."

 

"Gonna have to hold it."

 

"What if my legs fall asleep?"

 

"The sensation is kind of nice." Liam retorts. "I know you like it."

 

"Can I at least have my hands back?"

 

Liam seems to contemplate for a few moments before he releases one of Zayn's hands, only one and Zayn snorts, reaching for a blanket near them. He throws it, as best he can with one hand, over Liam's back and adjust one of his legs so it can curl over the back of Liam's knee. He circles his free arm around Liam's shoulders.

 

"You're a dick." He grumbles though it's more fond than he was aiming for.

 

"You love my dick."

 

"You're disgusting."

 

Liam laughs lightly, lifts his head slightly to press to soft kiss to his jaw before fitting himself right back in his neck. It's a little difficult to breathe with Liam on him like this but he also loves being this close to him so he doesn't complain. He can stand it for a little while longer before his lungs collapse.

  


::::::::

  


It's still dark when he's shook awake by panicking hands. He grumbles and turns away but the shaking doesn't stop.

 

"Zayn, Zayn wake up."

 

"What." he drawls, stuffing his face further into the pillow under his head.

 

"Danielle. She's coming back sooner than I thought." Zayn's next breath gets trapped in his throat and his chest clenches painfully. He actually almost forgot about her. _Almost._  "She just called me. You have to go."

 

And that- that hurts though he should be use to it by now. Sitting up, Zayn rubs the sleep from his eyes, his vision blurry for a few beats before clearing up. Liam's cleaning up quickly around him, picking up blankets and pillows, pushing the furniture back in place as if Zayn's not right there sitting in the center of it all. He kind of wants to scream but instead he sighs, standing up and untangling the blanket from his socked feet. He finds his shoes slipping them on blearily, still half asleep.

 

By the time he's done that and turned around, the area is clean and back in place Liam is stuffing the blankets in the washer in the small laundry room he has. Zayn scuffs, running a hand down his face because Liam is trying so hard to erase every trace of Zayn from his home, down to his fucking scent, and it's kind of pathetic and actually really painful to watch.

 

Liam turns back to him, his jeans in his hands and Zayn can see the apology fresh on his tongue but he shakes his head, grabs his jeans and walks into the hall to the coat closet. Liam is hot on his heels and Zayn thinks grudgingly, that he's doing it just so in case Danielle was to walk through the front door right now he could just shove Zayn into the coat closet before she sees him.

 

"I'm really sorry." Liam says, sounding sincere and regretful, one of his hands sliding over Zayn's lower back. Zayn fights the sudden reaction to shove it off. It's barely 5 in the morning, he's grouchy and Liam's an arsehole.

 

But he just sighs instead, getting enough control over his emotions that he doesn't go off and let Liam know exactly what he thinks of him right now. "It's whatever, Liam."

 

But it's really not.

 

"Zayn, c'mon." Liam pleads, his voice sounding shaky as if he can see Zayn slowly giving up and fading further away from him. That's how it feels, anyway. Maybe it's the motivation of being kicked out at 5 in the morning while he's still tired and grouchy by the man who is supposedly in love with him because his girlfriend is coming home, but he feels pretty fucking over with the situation right now. "Baby, don't do that. I just need a little more time."

 

And Zayn snaps, whipping his head to look at Liam with a glare that would probably impress Louis. "How much time is a little more time, Liam?"

 

Liam flinches, his mouth falling open but nothing comes out as if shocked speechless that Zayn is actually standing up about this or maybe he just really doesn't have an answer to that. He visibly swallows before reaching out almost hesitantly. Zayn doesn't tear his eyes away but he breathes a little heavier when he feels Liam's fingers circling his wrist, the touch feeling like fire melting his skin.

 

"She got a job, babe." Liam suddenly rushes out. "Working at some clothing store. She's saving up for a car and that's good, yeah?"

 

Zayn's heart stutters, a spark of hope flickering in his chest and though it's small, dulled down by the anger still boiling in his stomach, he has to agree. It's something.

 

"Where was she tonight?" Zayn finally gets the courage to ask, now that she’s been bought up.

 

"We had a fight." Liam admits, looking down as if it bothers him and Zayn scrunches his eyebrows from the suspicion and the disdain. "She stood at her parents but she's coming back now because she wants to fix it."

 

And Zayn wants to demand _why_. There's his opportunity right there to end it, to finally tell the women he doesn't want to be with her and she can just stay with her parents or something, yet he's allowing her to come back so they can _fix it_. He wants to ask if Liam wants to _fix it._

 

"Fix it." Zayn repeats, a bitterness to his tone and he shakes his head in disbelief. "Whatever Liam, lemme know how that goes." he snatches his coat from the doorknob and without bothering to put it on first, storms out the door.

 

In the car he presses his forehead to the steering wheel, taking a moment to settle down and relax his breathing because he knows not to drive angry and once he manages to go from _murderous rampage_ to plain _shit talking_ he backs out of the drive way and leaves.

  


::::::::

  


By the time he gets to his flat Zayn's calmed down enough that if he just goes back to sleep right away, he'll be relatively okay. He goes inside, locking the door behind him and taking off his coat, kicking off his shoes. He walks down the little hallway, turning into the kitchen to get a glass of water and jumps when he finds Harry sitting on the counter, eating grapes in just his underwear which are very tight Justin Bieber printed boxers.

 

He turns to look at Zayn, swallowing a grape and snickering. "Someone's sulking."

 

"Am not." Zayn argues though he is totally sulking. And because Harry is so stubbornly right, Zayn steals his bowl of grapes, jumps on the counter beside him and takes a handful.

 

Harry makes a pathetic sound, pouting at his bowl in Zayn's hand but he doesn't fight back for it and instead asks, "Why are you back so early?"

 

"Why are you up so early?" Zayn rebuffs, his tone sharp. He doesn't mean to get short with Harry but like said, it's bloody 5 in the morning. He's never been up at this time for longer than glancing at the clock, groaning in misery and turning on his other side to go back to sleep.

 

"Woke up to take a piss and noticed I was rather hungry so I got some grapes, which you took and are now currently eating." Harry answers, smiling at him. "Your turn."

 

"Liam kicked me out." Zayn answers simply, the words tasting sour on his tongue.

 

"For what?" Harry demands, his face scrunching in anger. Zayn ever only sees Harry angry when he talks about Liam, other than that Harry is a rather happy bloke, always smiling and charming, friendly to everyone he fucking meets.

 

But he's also very protective of his friends and he was over Payne's bullshit about 15 months ago.

 

"For what other reason do you think, Harry?" Zayn rolls his eyes, taking another handful of grapes. It's probably not safe eating so many grapes at once but maybe if he chokes then he can black out for a while and catch a fucking break.

 

"The bastard." Harry grumbles.

 

Their quiet for a while after that and before Zayn can choke himself with the stem Harry hands him a banana and Zayn thanks him with a grunt. They've been best mates long enough that Harry knows about his angry eating habit and is well prepared.

 

"She got a job." Zayn says after a while, flicking the banana peel into the sink. Harry offers him an apple (because Harry insists he eat fruits so at least then it's healthy angry eating) but Zayn denies it because he's sizzled down significantly. He's really just disappointed and tired now.

 

"Really?" Harry asks but it's not a tone a surprise, it's more doubtful and cautious, like he isn't going to take that so easily.

 

Zayn shrugs. "Retailing or what not." Don't get him wrong, he's glad she finally has a job, yes, but he's not in the proper mood to celebrate. Liam kicking him out today like he did has put a serious damper on his mood and it's overweighting the news.

 

"When did he tell you that?"

 

"Before I left."

 

He feels Harry's eyes on him and he turns, raising an eyebrow at him but Harry just shakes his head, sighing as he pushes off the counter.

 

"Cool, yay, great news." and he's not even trying to sound enthused and Zayn's fingers curl tight around the edge of the counter, his jaw clenching because  _what the fuck_ _?_

 

He pushes off the counter as well, practically on Harry's back as he follows him out of the kitchen. "What the hell, Harry, you can't even be a little happy for me?"

 

Harry spins around, his face turning red with anger. "Happy?" he repeats, almost sneering the word. "Zayn, he's clearly-" he cuts off though, running a hand through his hair.

 

"Clearly what?" Zayn challenges.

 

"Nevermind, it's too early for this." And he's turning away again, walking down the hall with their bedrooms, turning into his.

 

"Clearly what!" Zayn demands again but Harry closes the door in his face and Zayn lets out an angry, frustrated noise, kicking the door and turning around to stomp into his room, slamming the door shut.

 

He throws himself into bed without bothering to take off his clothes, yelling into his pillow until his throat is sore. He doesn't move, lets the tears of frustration out and curls up when they're dry on his cheeks.

  


::::::::

  


Harry's there when he wakes up again, sitting beside him with a hesitant smile on his face and a pair of yoga pants and a t shirt on. He gets one look at Harry and his chest burns with the desire to yell and hit him but he closes his eyes tightly instead and burrows under the covers, grumbling out a "Go. Away."

 

"Z, c'mon, I came to apologize." Harry tugs on the blanket so it no longer covers Zayn's face and he blinks an eye open, showing Harry that he has some of his attention. "I got a little short cos' you know how I feel about Liam. I don't trust him but if you do then I can try and support you."

 

"You suck at apologies." Zayn mutters, closing his eyes. "That's not what I wanted to hear at all."

 

Harry huffs. "Well what did you want to hear then?"

 

Zayn peaks an eye open again. "That I'm better and smarter than you and you'll do the dishes for the next month."

 

Harry grins, and shuffles down the bed, wrapping his long arms around Zayn's body. "You, all mighty Zayn, are better and smarter than poor brainless me and I'll do the dishes today."

 

"It's your day anyway." Zayn argues, opening his other eye.

 

"Take it or leave it."

 

"Fine." Zayn mock sighs.

 

"So we're friends again?"

 

"Who said we stopped?"

 

"I love you." Harry smacks a wet kiss to his forehead and sits up, pulling Zayn up with him. "I'm getting Louis and Niall here tonight and we're all gonna drink, maybe smoke. You know, do laddy things."

 

Zayn yawns, stretching his arms and popping his back. "Sounds fun."

 

"You uh," Harry pauses. "You can invite Liam, if you want."

 

Zayn looks over at Harry, sees the small smile on his face and he can see Harry's trying. He smiles back, appreciatively. "Thanks, Hazza."

 

"Yeah, yeah. Just know you're treating me to breakfast."

 

Zayn snorts, pushing the blankets off of him and getting out of bed. "You're a princess, Styles."

  


::::::::

  


Liam takes forever (or at least that’s how it feels; grabbing his phone every few minutes, staring at it as if a text will come through triggered just by his sheer pathetic desperation) to answer his text about tonight but when he does it's with a simple,

 

_Cant 2nigh gotta work in da am_

 

Zayn draws out an exhale, disappointed but when it comes down to it, also understanding. Liam has a regular 8 hour job, unlike Zayn who works on his own time. It’d be unfair to be upset that Liam can’t make it.

 

He brushes it off, in the end.

 

There's knocking on the front door a quarter to 8 while Harry's setting up the wii console and Zayn just stepped out of the shower. He tosses the towel he was using to dry his hair into the dirty laundry bin (which is steadily piling up and he can’t remember whose turn it is to take it down to the laundry room but he’ll still try to coax Harry anyway) and goes to answer. The second the door is opened he gets an armful of beers and a smacking kiss to the forehead.

 

"I bought sustenance!" Louis announces, stepping out of the doorway and into the flat. He kicks off his shoes, ignoring Zayn’s protest as they go flopping down the hallway. He shakes his head and closes the door behind them, following Louis into the living room but not before he places the beers in the fridge.

 

Louis takes off into an animated story about a rude geezer on the tube just yesterday who couldn’t seem to keep his hands to himself ( _“I understand the temptation, you don’t see an arse like this everyday but honestly-”_ ) and just when Zayn’s contemplating getting an early drink to bare this story any longer, there's another knock. He sighs in relief and goes to answer the door quickly, not that Harry seems to be in much of a rush as he hangs off Louis’ every word.

 

Niall's already pink in the cheeks with a backwards snapback on his head, tufts of blonde hair spilling out the front. “Good ol' Vodka." Niall grins, throwing an arm around Zayn's shoulders. Zayn grins, wraps an arm around Niall’s waist, and they join Louis and Harry in the living room.

 

"I'll get the shot glasses." Harry shouts excitedly when Niall (a bit sloppily) places the bottle on the coffee table. He’s up in an instant, running off to the kitchen.

 

"He’s like clumsy flamingo, like, _his legs_ -" Niall cackles as he slides to the floor, twisting weirdly until he settles into an uncomfortable looking position on his stomach.

 

"Are you already drunk, pinky?" Louis demands, eyes glaring as he nudges his foot against Niall's leg roughly until the boy turns onto his back, still grinning.

 

"May’f got a coupla' shots in before Ed dropped me'ff here." Niall answers with a sheepish look.

 

Zayn shakes his head, grinning as Harry comes trampling back and sending Niall back into a fit of giggles.

 

"What's gotten into him?" Harry asks, looking down at Niall before back at Zayn with a raised brow.

 

"Got a head start with Ed, the prick." Zayn tells him, reaching up to take the shot glasses and put them on the table side by side.

 

Niall sits up immediately to take one after Zayn’s filled each but Zayn slaps his hand away. "None for you, not until we catch up. You can have a beer though."

 

Niall looks utterly betrayed in a comical way and he grumbles about _selfish cunts_ but sits up on his knees and reaches for a beer nonetheless, twisting the cap off and gulping down half.

 

"To having best mates!" Harry cheers once they’ve each got a small glass in their hands (well except for Niall).

 

Zayn snickers when Louis sends Harry a grimace. "You're such a pansy, Styles." Harry pouts but generally looks unoffended which is almost a requirement when friends with Louis Tomlinson.

 

"To shots!" Louis settles on and they all cheer (once again, minus Niall who watches on with a childish glare), clinking glasses and tossing them back.

 

That goes on three more times and then Zayn cuts himself off for a bit, taking a beer to sip in the meantime because he can already feel the effects taking place. The slight dizziness of his head, the occasional stumble of his words, the slip of his tongue. If he wants to make it to at least midnight without passing or blacking out, then he needs to pace himself.

 

Louis on the other hand takes another shot with the encouragement of Harry’s chanting of "Louis, Louis, Louis!" and Niall joins in after that, getting in about two more shots and finishing his beer.

 

Playing Mario Kart on the wii as a foursome is difficult alone, but drunk it's a whole other playing field. They all cheered when Harry broke out the game but it quickly becomes a ruthless match of life or death and no apologies when Niall sends out a blue shell and sends Louis to last place.

 

Zayn though, for at least three quarters of each race, is looking at the wrong screen. Harry is moving distractingly with his controller so he falls more times then they can count and they have to pause it until they can contain their laughter. Louis is screaming _bloody cheaters_ at the top of his lungs though Zayn suspects he's looking at the wrong screen as well. And Niall keeps falling over the edge, barely making it past the first lap.

 

And attempting Rainbow road is just a disaster.

 

It's a mess really but they're, for the most part, laughing and having a good time.

 

The game gets cut off eventually though because Louis almost flings the remote at the tv too many times (both on purpose and by accident) and Niall decides it’s time for more shots and story time.

 

Zayn wants to deny the part with the shots but Louis pushes the glass against his lips before he can get a word out (like he just _knew_ a _no_ was climbing towards the tip of Zayn’s tongue) and he has no choice but to down it. Louis tosses back two more after that and he's completely gone. Niall (who nobody, including even himself have any idea how many shots he's already had) gets in another one and shouts something about being a proud Irish man. Harry takes another beer which Zayn grumbles about because he's the one who insisted more shots, but Zayn barely focuses on it long because he's feeling loose and happy and he kind of wants to talk to Liam.

 

Grabbing his phone, Zayn struggles to type his password in 3 times before getting it and opening Liam's contact. He's about to hit call when it's snatched from his hand and he's too drunk to understand where his phone went because it happens too fast.

 

That is until Harry says above him, "No Liam calling."

 

Zayn frowns, struggling to stand and using Harry's arm for assistance. "Gimme back." he tries to reach for it but Harry brings it high in the air, too high for Zayn to reach because Harry is some weird breed of giant.

 

"No, you can't call Liam."

 

His mood is quickly dropping now and he feels an anger replacing it. Louis pops out of nowhere then, throwing himself against Zayn's back and making him stumble into Harry who somehow manages to keep upright, though just barely.

 

"Wha's this I hear 'bout Leemo!"

 

"Zayn's tryna call 'im." Harry explains and Louis boos loudly in his ear.

 

"No boyfriendy t'ings." Niall calls from where he's sitting on the dining table, attempting to play the guitar on his lap that Zayn's too distracted to try and figure out where he got from.

 

"I wanna talk t’ Leeyum, gotta tell him i’m not mad at ‘im." Zayn whines, reaching for the phone again but ending unsuccessful when Harry stretches up higher.

 

"Why does he think that?" Louis asks with a frown, the alcohol pulling out of him more concern than necessary.

 

Zayn has to rack his brain for a moment, trying to remember why in fact he thinks Zayn's mad and then it clicks. "Cos' he kicked me out and Dan-Daniel got a job and I wasn' excited."

 

"Danielle?" Louis corrects, stumbling off his back to stand a little unevenly beside him.

 

Zayn snaps his fingers. "That's the one."

 

"Uh she didn't get a job." Louis tells him, a purely confused look on his face that has Zayn looking back just as lost.

 

"Huh?"

 

"I knew it!" Harry exclaims, throwing his other hand up, the force of it sending him back against the couch.

 

"She doesn’t ‘ave a job. I don’ think she’s even lookin'." Louis tells him and when Zayn's face falls, the pain erupting in his chest making his knees weak, Louis covers his mouth with his hands, his eyes going wide.

 

Zayn tries to sit but his bum just barely brushes the couch cushion and he ends up on the floor, tears stinging his eyes because- because Liam _lied?_

 

But, but-

 

"Oh, man. Leem's gonna kill me. 'ma dead man walkin'." Louis says, sounding genuinely scared as he steps around the coffee table and starts pacing the other side of the room, stumbling on his own feet while Niall, oblivious to it all, croons on, the rough strum of the wrong chord filling the room.

 

"Harry, gimme my phone." Zayn demands, pushing up on his knees with a hand on the coffee table for support. Harry's eyes widen and he looks hesitant. "Harry." he practically growls. He feels more sober than he was moments ago but it’s undeniable the alcohol still coursing through his body.

 

Harry, after a moment, reluctantly hands it over and Zayn stumbles completely to his feet, heading to his room and slamming the door shut behind him. He dials Liam's number, heaving as he listens to it ring, waiting for the bastard to answer.

 

After four rings he hears a groggy, " 'lo?"

 

"You lied." is the first thing that comes out his mouth, hissed and flooded with hurt. It's silent for a moment and then he hears rustling and a door closing softly. He scuffs at the idea that he's being so quiet because he doesn't want to wake Danielle. Leaving _their_ room, leaving _their_ _bed_ where she probably had her head on his chest, clinging closely because Liam’s a bloody fucking _liar-_

 

"Zayn-"

 

Those thoughts alone make his stomach queasy and his blood hot.

 

"You lied t'me!” he whimpers. “She doesn't 'ave a job, she's not even looking, Liam-" the words are slurred from the alcohol but also from his anger but Liam seems able to still understand because he hears a sharp noise come from him.

 

"How-who, Zayn what-"

 

"Who, how, this, that way, who the fuck cares!" And he knows he's not making any sense but he's so pissed and confused and drunk so he doesn't care even a little bit. "You fuckin' lied!"

 

Liam must finally pick up on his state or maybe he just remembers that the lads were suppose to be coming over to drink and hang out because he's asking, "Are you drunk?"

 

"No-yes... maybe. Don't confuse me!"

 

"I'm not going to talk to you about this while you're drunk, Zayn." Liam tells him calmly and Zayn grits his teeth. It doesn’t fly by Zayn, the possibility that Liam’s just trying to diverge the situation but like hell that’s going to work.

 

" 'ave you been lying the whole time?" Zayn demands, the thought just occurring to him and spilling out before he can stop himself. " 'bout everything? 'Bout loving me?"

 

"What?" Liam hisses, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

 

"No, you're kidding me." he snaps. He knows on some level that that didn’t make sense to anyone but himself but he doesn’t bother to explain it.

 

"Oh my god, Zayn. I'll talk to you about this tomorrow when your sober."

 

Zayn sneers, his fist clenching around the phone and his stomach lurching violently. "There's no'ing to talk 'bout. I understand."

 

And he hangs up, throwing his phone across the room where it lands under his desk. He bangs the door with the side of his fist, his eyes burning with tears of hurt and fucking anger. He staggers over to his bed, fumbling with the covers and ultimately giving up, laying on top of them curled up with his face in a pillow as a choked cry falls from his lips.

 

He doesn't hear them come in but three bodies join him in bed, one curling behind him, another in front and another by his legs, like a bloody dog and it can only be Niall. Someone's hand is in his hair, another stroking his arm and one circling his ankle and he could have acted way too quickly, made it a bigger deal than it is, more dramatic than it needed to be, but right now he feels like maybe Harry has been right.

 

Maybe Liam's been messing with him all along.

  


::::::::

  


He wakes up groggy with the worst headache known to mankind. He has to push through three bodies that have managed to cocoon him during the night so he can make it to the bathroom before he vomits on himself. He spits the last of it out of his mouth, grimacing and flushing the toilet, scrubbing his mouth with extra toothpaste and gargling with mouthwash to rid the taste of stale sleep and throw up from his tongue.

 

He steps into the shower because he feels gross and sticky and he's come to the conclusion a long while ago that a shower can always makes him feel significantly less like he's dead after a night of drinking.

 

He scrubs away the residue gathered between the time of his shower yesterday and now, washing his hair and his body, his face. He steps out smelling and feeling considerably better, wrapping a towel around his waist and leaving the bathroom to go to the kitchen and throw back two pills to kill his headache before heading back to his room. The lads are still asleep so he drops his towel and pulls on pants and then a pair of black joggers, throwing a big white t over his head. He's just pulling on socks when there's a knock on the front door that he hears rattle down the halls. He glances back at the lads to makes sure they're still asleep before heading to answer the door.

 

He's surprised when he opens it and finds Liam on the other side, fist raised like he was about to knock again though he lowers it as soon as he spots Zayn. Distantly he remembers Liam is suppose to be working but that thought is quickly forgotten when he notices that Liam looks like shit. to say the least. His hair all disheveled on his head, wearing baggy grey joggers and a hoodie, and  bags under his eyes like he hadn't slept all night. Zayn wants to reach out and pull him inside, cuddle him while he takes a nap but Liam is just staring at Zayn with wide eyes and a floundering mouth, and Zayn's confused. He's about to ask what's the matter and why is he here but Liam's speaking first.

 

"Can I explain? Please." He asks, a desperate tinge to his voice.

 

Zayn scrunches his nose, not understanding what Liam's going on about. "Explain what?"

 

"Last night." Liam clarifies, looking a bit confused. "You called me and-"

 

And it all comes flashing back now that Zayn actually puts effort into remembering the night before. It comes back in quick flashes and blurs, not in order at first until he focuses harder and manages to piece everything together. And fuck, he doesn't remember everything but he remembers why he's pissed.

 

"-and I feel really bad but I-"

 

"You lied." Zayn bites out. Liam cuts off, confused again.

 

"Did you hear anything I said?"

 

"No I was trying to figure out what the hell happened last night but I remember. I remember you told me Danielle got a job and I remember Louis telling me you're a fucking lying arsehole." Liam's mouth falls open, as if he can't believe Louis would say something like that and Zayn huffs, crossing his arms. "Okay, maybe not those exact words but that's what I got out of it."

 

"I can explain."

 

Zayn really just wants to slam the door in Liam's face and calm down alone for a little bit but he sighs and steps aside, allowing Liam inside. "We'll talk in Harry's room, the lads are sleeping in mine."

 

Liam follows closely as they walk through the flat and into Harry's room. Zayn stays by the door, in case he needs to make a quick getaway or maybe because he just feels safer knowing he isn't cornered, and Liam crosses to the other side of the room, turning around and stepping a bit closer.

 

"Okay, listen," He starts. "I only lied because I felt horrible kicking you out. I didn't want to, shit, I really didn't but I had to and you looked so mad, like you were ready to just end it, end _us_ , and I felt like the only way to stop you was to give you something to hold onto, so I lied. I had to." Liam explains quickly, words falling over each other as if he's afraid he won’t be able to get it all out before Zayn decides he doesn't want to hear the rest and makes him leave. And it makes sense, and if anything it makes his chest flutter that Liam doesn't want to loose him. But he's also really pissed because that means Danielle really doesn't have a job and he distinctly remembers something else Louis said. The thing that made him most angry.

 

"Louis said she's not even looking for a job, why would he say that?" Zayn demands weakly, the hurt seeping back into his body.

 

Liam looks down for a moment and Zayn's stomach twists because it's true. Fuck, it's true so that means.... what else could Liam have been lying about? Zayn has to look away, swallowing. Everything Liam's told him flies around in his mind and he tries to file out what could've been a lie this whole time. It piles up quickly.

 

"I told her she needs one but she thinks because I get a good paycheck that she doesn't need a job. And I don't know, I just haven't... I haven't really pushed it so no, she's not really looking."

 

He sounds pained and shameful but Zayn's the one with his chest collapsing in on itself because why wouldn't Liam push it? Why isn't he... he's more confused than ever.

 

"Why not?" Zayn almost hesitates to asks. He looks up, tries to keep the hurt off of his face but it's so overwhelming that he doesn't think he does the best job. "Why aren't you pushing it?"

 

Liam shrugs though his face shadow over and he's still not looking at him. "I don't know."

 

"You do know." Zayn pushes, his jaw tight because he's _still_ fucking lying.

 

"Zayn-"

 

"Why, Liam?" he snaps, his voice firm. He crosses his arms, pins Liam with a look that shows Zayn isn't going to take another lie.

 

Liam looks up slowly, his eyes red rimmed and Zayn's not sure if his chest lurches because he wants to comfort him or because he's afraid of the next words that come out of Liam's mouth.

 

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to let her go." his voice cracks, and Zayn can see the struggle in Liam's eyes, how much he truly means what he's saying yet how much he truly wishes he didn't. And-and okay. Wow.

 

His heart has fallen in his stomach by now, burning in the acid, it feels, as tears sting his eyes. He can't do anything but stare at Liam, mouth slightly parted because he wants to say something but what the hell is he even suppose to say? He swallows around the large lump in his throat and chokes out, "How- I don't... I don't understand."

 

"I told you I needed more time." Liam's reply is quiet but it's so bloody loud in Zayn's ears. He feels foolish, foolish for falling for Liam's words and tricks. He wants the ground to absorb him, he wants to curl up in his bed. He wants answers.

 

And that, the words Liam keeps repeating to him, only lick at the tiny flame that's still burning warm in his chest, making it burn brighter and larger and hotter. How many times does he have to hear that? "You told me you needed more time for her to get a job so she can support herself when you ask her to leave!" he finds himself shouting. "Fuck, Liam, how many lies have you told me?"

 

Liam's face falls completely, his body curling in on itself along with it and Zayn hates that he's the one who's doing this to Liam but how many times has Liam done this to him? Made him feel small and broken?

 

"Zayn, fuck, I'm so sorry." There's tears freely rolling down his cheeks now and it isn't until he has the salty taste slipping past his own lips, onto his own tongue, that he realizes he's crying too. "Please, I promise I'll know what I want, just a little-"

 

" _More time_." He finishes bitterly. "I'm so fucking sick of hearing that, Liam! How much fucking time do you need? It's been 2 years, if you're still unsure about what you want, if you're still unsure about _me_ then maybe time isn't what you fucking need." And he swears at this point he could give up civil life and live in a fucking cave where there are no clocks anywhere close to him. He could give up the concept of time completely.

 

Liam's thick eyebrows scrunch, a look of worry and fear flashing through his eyes. It's silent now, the tension thick, almost choking. Everything in him screams at him to not do this, to give in and fall into Liam's arms again but he knows that's the last thing he should do. Liam takes a step closer, reaching out but Zayn recoils from the touch and he pulls back quickly as if he was the one touching fire to his skin this time. "Zayn, love, what are you saying?"

 

Zayn has to close his eyes for a moment, force himself to breathe evenly to try and reduce the hurt. _Love._  The fucking nerve. "I'm saying," he chokes, has to swallow again and take another deep breathe before he can continue. " I'm saying maybe what you need is to leave me the hell alone."

 

"Zayn-" Liam's voice cracks, oozing disbelief.

 

When Zayn opens his eyes, fresh tears come pouring out and he licks the taste off his lips. His arms fall to his sides and he just feels defeated. "I love you, Liam. I love you so much whether it was a lie or not when you said you love me too-"

 

" _Zayn_ , no-"

 

"-but I can't keep on like this, Li." his voice is breaking, and he's afraid he will too soon and he needs Liam to be gone before that happens. Every word that comes out his mouth tastes sour and every move of his lips feels wrong, like they should never form such words but he continues on because regardless, this is something he has to do. He can't keep on like this. He's reached his breaking point. "I can't keep waiting for you. You just- you need to stay with Danielle because it's clear she's who you really want and you need to leave me alone so I can get over this and move on."

 

Liam's staring at him with red blotchy eyes and a look of pure anguish in his eyes. The picture alone could convince Zayn that maybe what Liam said he felt was- _is_ real but the fact that he's not fighting Zayn, fighting _for_ Zayn, proves to him that it's not. That he was right, whatever Liam was feeling for him, it never will and never has measured up to the love aching inside his own chest. The thought is kind of excruciating, he could double over with the pain of it.

 

He composes himself as best he can though, refuses to show how this is affecting him. He clears his throat, blinking back the tears and wiping the dry ones off his cheeks. "Don't be mad at Louis for what he said either." He says quietly. "He was piss drunk, he didn't mean for it to come out." Liam's lips press together as he looks down again, nodding his head.

 

"Can you leave now." And it's not a question, it's a subtle command that Liam must pick up on because he's walking towards him, towards the _door._ Zayn goes to step aside but Liam is suddenly caging him in against the wood, pressing their bodies and their foreheads together and Zayn's too weak to fight him on it, too pathetic and tired to push him away. He makes a pitiful sound and closes his eyes because he can't look at Liam this close. Not when he looks like a completely different person.

 

He's still stuck, though. He's stuck because he wants to melt into Liam, wants to give in and forget everything that's happened in the past 24 hours. He wants to let his heart win this one over his mind but he knows he shouldn't, that he _can't_. He doesn't touch Liam like he so desperately wants, and he keeps his eyes closed while he shares Liam's space for what feels like the last time (what _will be_ the last time, he'll make sure of it). And then Liam presses their lips together softly in what feels like a goodbye kiss.

 

And it taste like tears and grief. It taste like his potential forever being torn away from him. It taste like the storm that's been weathering down on him is now showering the both of them. It taste like a _mutual_ heartbreak.

 

Liam pulls back slowly, out of his space and Zayn's pretty sure, as he takes a step away and watches Liam go, that Liam is leaving with the broken shards of his heart, pieces he'll never get back.

 

He doesn't think he'll ever be whole without Liam but he's just got to learn to live like that.

  


::::::::

  


Louis finds him curled up in Harry's bed sometime later with a pillow hugged to his body, his face buried in it as he cries as silently as he can. His hand rubs slow circles along Zayn's back and he tenses, struggles to control himself.

 

"It's okay, Zayn. You can cry." Louis tells him in a soft voice, one that makes him feel safe. So he lets go and Louis pulls the pillow away, replacing it with his body, curling around him and letting Zayn soak his shirt with his tears.

 

Harry and Niall, when they wake, join them, cocooning Zayn once again, confused but ready to offer their comfort without an explanation being needed.

 

Once Zayn has settled down to little snivels and silent tears, and exhaustion beginning to sink in, he faintly hears Louis whisper, "They broke up."

 

He whimpers, Louis' hold on him getting tighter, and he wonders if they were ever really together to begin with or if he really was just Liam's little experiment.

  


::::::::

  


They don't talk about it, Zayn doesn't want to and he absolutely refuses to. It hurts too much to think about let alone relive it word for word.

 

And when the night is just too dark and too quiet for him to handle, when he feels weak and weighted down by his thoughts, Harry slips into his bed, always on time as if he can sense it. He never asks questions and Zayn's thankful for that.

 

Everyday becomes a little bit more painful to live out, each one that passes by. He's not used to being home so often and he's not use to not hearing from Liam for so long. So he dives into his artwork for the gallery in February, locking himself in his room for days, only leaving to piss, take the occasional shower, and when his mum and baba come by with the girls for his birthday. He can tell they can detect something's wrong with him, his mum mentions how he looks like he lost weight and tries to stuff him full the whole day, and his baba tries to pull him into the kitchen, asking how he is, if there's anything he wants to talk about, to which Zayn insists everything is okay.

 

They know about Liam, of course they do. They've seen him enough times at his galleries, at his dorm, at his house. They love Liam, but they never knew the extent of their relationship. Shit, _Liam and Zayn_ barely knew the extent of their relationship till about two years ago when everything hit the fan. When Zayn was feeling a confusing amount of jealousy and Liam had felt an even more confusing amount of attraction. Though when that happened Liam had already been in a relationship with Danielle for a year and look where they are now.

 

He doesn't get anything from Liam on his birthday either, not a text, not a phone call, and though he supposes it's for the best, he can't help but feel a little bitter about it.

 

That is until, after his parents and the girls have left, there's a light knock on his bedroom door and Zayn finds Harry on the other side with a box of cupcakes and a knitted green, red, and purple bracelet that Zayn remembers making with Safaa back during his first year of University, giving it to Liam because he thought the style of it was cool. Zayn doesn't know if he's happy Liam kept it all these years or hurt that he's giving it back but he wears it regardless, remembering how Liam use to wear it everyday and he wonders when he stopped.

 

The rest of January passes by in a blur of water colors and oil pants and charcoal and pencil. Every item smudged somewhere on his body everyday. He's got an odd mix of pieces but somehow they all fit together, looking as though they each have the same theme, just approached in many different ways.

 

A theme of agony and pain, of feeling trapped, hidden, but also the almost sad beauty that came with it. He's not sure if anyone else would see it, they could see something totally completely different, they can see just a bunch of colors and drawings, but he sees it, he feels it. So he's satisfied.

 

He calls JoJo because she's one of the people in charge of the gallery and he gave her a basic idea of his pieces a while back but now they're totally changed and he wants her opinion. JoJo can be brutally honest, she can tear your piece apart or build it up, give you the confidence to show it or the doubt to fix it. She won’t sugarcoat, specially not for him.

 

JoJo shows up with her natural red hair pulled up into a neat bun, freckles on her nose and cheeks and a red grin on her lips as she snickers at all the mess he is. He's got paint under his nails and in his hair, pencil shading on the side of his hands and face.

 

"Are you one of the pieces too?" she teases.

 

When he only laughs lightly, she looks at him odd and he wonders if he's being too transparent. He leads her to his room where he has all the canvases lined up and steps aside while she stands in front and takes it all in.

 

It takes what feels like forever but could actually just be 5 minutes for JoJo to turn to him, crossing the room and pulling him into a hug. He's surprised but accepts it, hugging back. "Oh Zayn, I know I have no right to be mad at you but I am."

 

Zayn pulls away instantly, his stomach turning at the thought that she doesn't like his pieces, that maybe he's done something wrong. And she must see it on his face because she's quickly adding, "Why didn't you tell me you were feeling this way?"

 

The relief is brief, quickly replaced with the deep sadness he's been trying to get out of his system with his art. It's not gone, none of it is gone, it's just out for the world to see now.

 

"It's mostly a recent thing." He shrugs, smiling tightly at her. It doesn't feel real and he knows it doesn't look real either.

 

"Christ, you're breaking my heart, babe." JoJo sighs, her eyes wet with emotions. "I want all of them."

 

Zayn laughs wetly, wiping under his eyes. "You have too much of my paintings already."

 

"I'll never get enough, dear." And he smiles his first genuine smile in a month at how truly JoJo meant her words.

  


::::::::

  


Once Zayn isn't preoccupied obsessing over his collection, he's left at the mercy of his mind. The loneliness creeps in and the memories replay too many times. He tortures himself by going through their old texts (because apparently he's a cliche when it comes to break ups) but he notices quickly how many of his went unanswered and he clicks off his screen with a grimace.

 

He can sometimes still feel Liam's hands on him, hear his voice in his ear, smell the body wash on his skin. He knows it's all in his mind but that doesn't make it feel any less real. And he knows he needs to do something, needs to get out, maybe. Harry keeps telling him that he can't keep himself locked up in his room, that he won’t get anywhere like that, and maybe he's right but it's just so hard to move when he feels so broken up inside.

 

But he tries. He goes out. He goes out with Harry, Louis and Niall when they're all available (he knows they-except Harry- still hang out with Liam, he knows that's why sometimes they can't give him a reason as to why they're busy, but he's not mad, they've been friends with Liam just as long as they've been friends with him).

 

The first time going out is tough, he gets too drunk because the music's too loud and the room is too hot and the bodies are too close, and that's the only way he can think to handle it. He calls Liam too but when he answers Zayn can't form words, can only listen to his voice below the heavy bass of the music calling his name, asking if he's okay, and Zayn cries. Harry had to take his phone away.

 

The second time isn't any better because some big bloke has set his sleazy sights on Zayn and he doesn't leave him alone all night and all Zayn wants to do is get to Liam and have him replace the grimy feel of meaty hands on his body with strong but gentle ones that are gentle, not rough with careless lust.

 

And he doesn't go out anymore after that, not to clubs or pubs. Instead he goes to coffee shops and sketches aimlessly for an hour. He goes window shopping with Perrie, one of the artists he met at his last gallery showing, and he takes walks in the park. He gets a puppy too, a little brown Pomeranian that loves to cuddle and take those walks with him.

 

It's kind of okay. Definitely not the best, he still thinks far too much about Liam, still finds himself with his thumb hovering over his contact, still thinks about how he was the perfect mix between gentle and rough. Still thinks about his silly laugh and the adorable pout he does that makes him look kind of like a puppy himself. Yeah, it's definitely not the best but he supposes it could be worse.

 

And when Niall slips up and mentions playing footie in the park with Liam the other day, and everything gets tense and quiet, Zayn doesn't recoil, he doesn't get the urge to cry uncontrollably, he doesn't leave the room. No, he waves it off, tells them it's okay, even if he's not so sure, and though they seem hesitant at first, they let it go, and Zayn feels like maybe he's making progress even if Liam's name still stings a little.

  


::::::::

  


It's February 23rd. His collection is already in the large hall, having gone earlier to find his spot and set up with the help of JoJo, and Zayn's standing in the mirror adjusting his thin black tie that rests against the wine colored button up he's wearing. He's got on slim black dress pants and shiny black dress shoes as well.

 

He hasn't been keeping up with haircuts, hasn't found the motivation to go as of late so his hair is longer, coming down to the nape of his neck but he manages to use enough product that it doesn't look messy, even if there's that one pesky hair that refuses to stay out of his face. He made sure his scruff was cleancut and short as well so he can get away with not maintaining his hair quite so well.

 

There's a knock on his door and he gives the okay for Harry to come in.

 

"Looking good, Mr. Malik." Harry whistles.

 

Zayn chuckles, turning around to give Harry a once over. "Not looking so bad, yourself, Mr. Styles."

 

He's dressed in a sheer button down with the first few buttons open (because Harry is indecent), a black blazer over it and the worlds tightest pair of jeans, paired with sparkly black ankle boots that resemble his torn to pieces brown ones. "Though jeans aren't quite so formal."

 

Harry shrugs. "Dress pants aren't my thing." Zayn snorts, walking over to his nightstand to grab his phone and slip it into his pocket.

 

"Class isn't your thing."

 

Harry smacks his shoulder. "Rude. You leaving now?"

 

"Yeah, gotta get there before everyone starts arriving, though you know that."

 

And Zayn wants to ask because it's been nagging him for too long now. But he doesn't know if he should. It's just, fuck, Liam's never missed one of his showings and he promised he'd come to this one as well but with everything that went on, he just really wants to know if he's going to be disappointed tonight. Though to be honest, he's not sure which option is the disappointing one.

 

"He hasn't said anything." Harry says suddenly, as if he knew Zayn wouldn't ask himself and perhaps he did.

 

"Probably best he doesn't come, though, huh?" Zayn's smile is forced and he rubs the back of his neck, feeling suddenly like he can't breathe.

 

"Yeah, I guess." Harry says, his lips tilted on only one side and this isn't a conversation Zayn wants to have anymore.

 

"I'll see you there, okay."

 

Harry nods, looking at him almost sadly, and Zayn leaves quickly.

  


::::::::

  


There's small lamps above every art piece in the room to give a special, individual light to it. The floors are a glossy wood, the walls cream colored, and there's cushioned benches spaced out in the center of the room and against a few walls. There's labels underneath each piece with the artist’s name, the name of the piece, etc, though most artists stay near their pieces, ready to answer questions and give information with fancy glasses filled with fancy alcohol in their hands.

 

And as much as he enjoys the appreciative looks and noises he hears every time someone pauses in front of his artwork, he's a ball of nervous. And it's not because he's worried what they think, but because he's worried the next person that walks by will be the one that he doesn't think he can handle seeing.

 

But he wants Liam to come, it doesn't feel right standing by his work and not having Liam beside him, telling him how much better his pieces are than everyone else’s, talking loudly to draw attention to them, pretending he doesn't know Zayn and talking up his work to strangers. It doesn't feel right standing alone without his support.

 

So when Harry arrives, Zayn clings to his side, walks around the gallery with him, lets himself get pulled into conversation with observers and other artists because Harry's way too social so Zayn is forced into being social by association.

 

Niall and Louis find him at one point, asking him where his collection is and Zayn hesitantly leads them over, Harry following because he hadn't gotten a chance to see either what with the way Zayn practically ran to him the minute he showed up.

 

He doesn't look at their faces as they take in his art but he gets crushed into a tight hug by Louis, whispering, "I normally don't get shit about art but for once I understand."

 

Within the rest of the first hour, he gets people coming up to him, asking if he's Zayn Malik and when he nods, they commend his art, the feeling, the power behind it and he gives his number out to more than a few people who tell him they'd love to get in contact with him in the future.

 

He hasn't seen Liam and there's a feeling in his chest like something's missing and it makes it difficult to enjoy the night. He considers texting him but he knows that's a bad idea, what would he even say?

 

So Zayn sighs and heads over to the small bar they set up in the corner, away from the art for good reason, and pour himself a glass of champagne. He smiles small, out of obligation really, at the man in a waiter-like suit standing by the table, probably in-charge of keeping track of how many drinks a person has because there's nothing worse than someone getting too drunk and ruining an artist’s work. He smiles back and Zayn turns away, staying in place but observing the room.

 

There's a light tap on his shoulder and he brings the skinny glass away from his mouth, turning his head to find another man looking back at him.

 

"Are you Zayn Malik?" The man asks and his voice is smooth and deep; confident.

 

Zayn swallows and nods his head, feeling young and slightly foolish standing in front of him. He can tell the man is older than he is, he can see the maturity on his face. The trimmed, well kept beard along his jaw and upper lip, the thick, dark and smartly-styling of his hair. He doesn't look old.  Just mature and he's rather handsome, as well.

 

"I am."

 

"You're quite young to have such a compelling collection." The man says.

 

Zayn's not offended because it's clear he hadn't meant it in an offensive way, more like a simple observation. "Art is inspired by more than just age."

 

"That is true." The man agrees, nodding his head thoughtfully. "So you'd say your art was inspired by experiences?"

 

Zayn shrugs, putting the glass to his lips to take a sip of his champagne. He can't help but roll his eyes inwardly at how pretentious this guy is coming off as. Louis would call him an _art hoe_ and Zayn only knows this because Louis has called him the same thing many times. "My art is inspired by a lot of things."

 

The man grins. "I'm Declan." he introduces, extending a hand to him. Zayn takes it, and his hands aren't small but they look it the way Declan's hand wraps around his so easily. And looking down at their hands he gets flashes of someone else's tangled with his fingers, someone else's thumb caressing the roof of his hand, someone else's skin contrasting against his own.

 

He pulls away abruptly, clearing his throat and looking away, trying to blink away the memories.

 

"Uh, well, it was nice meeting you but-"

 

"Wait-" Declan calls as Zayn's turning around, ready to find Harry and duck behind him until the show is over. But he stops, glances back over at Declan.

 

"I'd like to see you sometime, if that's okay?"

 

And he doesn't know if that's okay. Of course, Zayn knows he's very much available but just the thought of seeing this man in what could or could not be a date feels kind of wrong. And it could be because he hasn't had any interest in another person other than Liam in 3 years, it could be because he has been with only Liam in the past 2. He still feels a sense of dedication, a sense of loyalty to Liam. But he shouldn't, he doesn't belong to Liam and Liam doesn't belong to him.

 

He just doesn't think he's ready to be with another person.

 

"I don't know-"

 

"Nothing serious, just to talk, I promise."

 

Zayn hesitates but Declan is looking at him sincere, honest, and maybe he's not ready to be with another person but that doesn't mean he can't make another friend. It could be nice to finally having someone to talk to about art who will understand.

 

"Okay." he finds himself agreeing.

 

The rest of the night goes on smoothly, he finds out Declan is 33 and owns some big fancy restaurant across London, and he has two dogs and Zayn slowly feels his anxiety fading away at the easy conversation. They walk around the gallery, sharing thoughts and comments on paintings and photographs, and it's easy and calm and for a little bit Zayn doesn't think about Liam and the dull ache of disappointment in his bones.

 

Most of his paintings sell and he goes home with a new number in his phone. He thinks he can consider tonight a good enough night even if Liam never did show up.

  


::::::::

  


"I saw you." He hears in a teasing voice say.

 

"Saw me what?" He snaps, already annoyed as he walks back to his closet to grab a pair of black joggers and a black hoodie with _Adidas_ written in bold on the front.

 

"With that sexy manther last night." Harry says with a grin as he walks deeper into the room, plopping down next to the brown box on Zayn's bed that he eyes.

 

Zayn pauses, looking at Harry oddly. "Manther?"

 

"The male version of a cougar. Panther-manther. " Harry rolls his eyes. "Obviously."

 

Zayn exhales long (something he does a lot when it comes to Harry because sometimes he just doesn't get the kid), shaking his head, and stuffs the joggers and hoodie in the box along with the other pieces of clothing and other little things. His stomach churns everytime he drops something inside but he knows it needs to be done. He can't keep seeing these things everywhere, they only backtrack his progress.

 

"What're you doing?" Harry asks, trying to peek into the box but Zayn is already closing it, grabbing the tape to seal it closed.

 

"Returning Liam's stuff."

 

"Oh." Harry says quietly after a moment. "Yourself?"

 

Zayn sighs, pushing the box over so he can sit beside Harry. "No, I was gonna ask Lou to next time they hang out alone."  he tells him before grumbling, "Wouldn't want Danielle to see Louis just pop up with a box of Liam's shit. Might find it suspicious."

 

And he doesn't know why he cares. Hell, he should want to fucking show up with the damn box himself and give Danielle a reason to suspect but he doesn't and he thinks maybe it's because he just wants Liam to be happy. He loves Liam too much to ruin his relationship, to take away something he loves like that.

 

"Wow, good for you though, that you can do that." Harry smiles at him and throws an arm over his shoulders. "Look at you, returning shit, dating really hot older guys who probably have a lot of money."

 

Zayn scrunches his nose, pushing Harry's arm off of him. "I'm not dating that guy."

 

"Not yet."

 

"Not ever." Zayn corrects. "I'm not ready for that and he's too old for me, anyway."

 

Harry pouts. "But you got his number."

 

"Doesn't mean anything."

 

"You gotta at least admit he's hot."

 

Zayn rolls his eyes and stands from the bed so he can grab the box and take it out to the hallway.

 

"So you agree that he's hot?"

  


::::::::

  


The first time they hang out is in early March and it took some coaxing for Zayn to finally agree.

 

It's simple, Declan is opening another chain to his restaurant and he wants someone with an artistic eye to help him choose pieces to hang up that'll match his decor. From pictures, Zayn can see that the restaurant decor is mostly like the others but he doesn't want to replicate the artwork so they visit a few shops and some well known artists around town. It's kind of fun and they talk about a lot of things.

 

They don't have a ton of things in common but it makes for good friendly debates that he finds himself enjoying to a certain degree. Declan appreciates his suggestions but they don't find much and Declan mentions how he'll probably have to travel out of town. He doesn't invite Zayn, which he's relieved about because Declan's still relatively a stranger and no way is he going somewhere he's unfamiliar to with a stranger.

 

They grab a pizza after and Zayn finds that Declan is pretty down to earth for someone of his wealth. It's nice.

 

He decides the day was a rather successful one when Declan drops him off and doesn't try to kiss him or initiate even a hug. He kept his promise and Zayn's pleasantly surprised by it.

  


::::::::

  


Because Declan's rather nice and he likes him well enough, Zayn agrees to hang out with him again a week later. They meet at a dog park, Declan with his black Lab, Nina, and brown and white Havanese, Charlie. Zayn brings Hatchi and they let them loose around the park, laughing when Nina, who must think she's still a little puppy like most big dogs, pounces on Hatchi and Charlie starts barking like mad, nibbling Nina's ear.

 

It's still odd seeing Declan in such a different setting, in different clothes. It's still rather cold so he wears brown pea coat much like Zayn's (though Zayn's is a dark green) instead of a suit but it fits nicely over his wider shoulders and he's got a black beanie covering his hair. He's still quite handsome.

 

It's fun, they chat and play with the dogs and Zayn's having an overall good time just hanging out with someone who doesn't know anything about Liam, someone who won’t send him sad looks when he's too quiet and constantly ask if he's okay. Someone who isn't walking on eggshells around him.

 

He's having fun, that is until he starts noticing little things that Declan does that remind him painfully of Liam, things he didn't notice before. Like the way his eyes crinkle and almost disappear when he laughs, how he talks a little fast when he gets excited, how he wiggles his broad shoulders when he teases Zayn about something.

 

He tries to ignore it but the list keeps getting longer and he's pretty sure most of them he's just making up. His mood begins to drop but he tries to push it off, tries to smile and keep having a good time but the tightness in his chest makes it difficult to laugh.

 

Declan doesn't seem to notice and suggest they go to a deli and get some lunch.

 

"What about the dogs?" Zayn asks, sat in the grass criss cross with Nina trying to fit on his lap and Hatchi running around with Charlie.

 

"We can drop them off at my flat, I don't live far."

 

Zayn hesitates because Declan could very well have ulterior motives with that plan but the man hasn't given any reasons not to trust him yet, hasn't pushed him into anything, hasn't even said something wrong. So he relents and they walk the short distance to Declan's home.

 

He lives in a large, clean building with the nicest elevator he thinks he's ever been in. He's surprised dogs are allowed with how pristine this place is. When they get to Declan's flat Zayn's eyes widen at the view from the wall to ceiling windows directly across from them. He peeks around Declan's body as the man ushers the dogs inside and catches glimpses of the spotless white couches and huge flat screen, the shiny wood floors and various other items that prove Declan is just as wealthy as he suspected.

 

But Declan's closing the door before he can see anything else.

 

"All good." He's smiling at him, tilting his head towards the elevator.

 

They head to the deli after that, making simple, easy conversation during the walk. It's pretty busy when they get there and Declan offers to go inside and get the food and Zayn can wait outside. Zayn agrees because the last thing he wants to do is get pushed around and stepped on by a bunch of strangers. He's got a short fuse when it comes to crowds.

 

"I'll be right back." Declan says, his hand brushing down Zayn's back briefly before he goes inside and Zayn swallows, trying to figure out if the knots in his stomach are good or not.

 

He leans against the glass window, adjusting his scarf boredly before stuffing his hands in his coat pockets while he waits, watching the people pass by.

 

"Zayn?" he hears in a way too familiar voice and the knot already in his stomach tightens and he knows this time, it's definitely not a good knot. He doesn't want to turn around, he doesn't want to look because it _will_ hurt, it will hurt so _bad_ but he feels him getting closer, sees his shadow, and it's unavoidable. He should have went inside.

 

Zayn looks up slowly and it's feels like a punch to the gut, taking away all his breath and crushing his insides because Liam is right there. Liam's standing right in front of him with wide eyes and his hands twitching by his sides, like he wants to reach out but is fighting himself on it. Zayn's thankful because if Liam's touch burned before, he's sure it'd be ten times worse now.

 

"Liam." Is all he can manage and he wants to punch himself with the way it comes out strangled.

 

"Hi." is all Liam says and Zayn could cry at the sound of his voice, so soft and familiar. It makes this constant anxious ball in his chest unwind and relax, his voice makes him feel safe, grounded, and Zayn thought he was okay. He thought he was getting along fine without Liam but _god_ , he was so wrong.

 

"Hey." It's all choked and Zayn's heart is pounding in his chest, his ears feeling hot.

 

"Wow, um, like-how are you?" Zayn's obviously making Liam feel uncomfortable and Zayn wants to snort because Liam probably feels obligated to make conversation with him and he wants to tell him that's really not necessary. That if anything Zayn would have prefered if Liam completely ignored him because now all Zayn can think about it kissing those soft, full lips.

 

And regardless the bags under his eyes and the way his shoulders slump as if it's natural at this point, Liam looks beautiful, a complete sight for his sore eyes. Zayn's body literally _aches_ with the need to bury himself in that broad chest, tell Liam just how beautiful and important he is to him, and never let go again.

 

"I'm... I'm fine." He answers because he can't find it in himself to lie and say he's good when he's really not and fine seemed like the best in between. "You?"

 

"Yeah, me too. Fine, I'm fine." He watches Liam swallow and he wants to just tell Liam that he can go. It's clear in the way he can't look Zayn in the eye longer than a few seconds that he doesn't want to be standing here.

 

"How was the gallery?" Liam asks, almost hesitant.

 

"It was okay." Zayn bites off the _I'm lying, it was horrible because you weren't there, I wish you had went_ because that seems like it'd be just a little too much. "JoJo loved the pieces. Sold them all."

 

"That's great." And he sounds like he means it, like he's-like he's _proud_ but Zayn shakes it off because they were friends before they were... whatever... and Liam was proud of him back then too.

 

He looks as if he's about to say something else, his lips just beginning to part when someone comes up behind him, someone with wild curls and full lips and tan skin. She's closing her phone, grinning as she slides an arm around Liam's waist.

 

"Babe, mum said hi and-" but she cuts off, noticing Zayn and smiling friendly and that fucking hurts. He can't quite breathe and his hands are starting to shake so he shoves them into his pockets again, swallowing hard with his eyes on the ground because he can't stand the sight any longer.

 

"Oh, hiya, Zayn." Danielle greets with genuine happiness and Zayn wants to throw up, his insides twisting. A part of him, that small petty part of him wants to get in her face and yell _your boyfriend fucked me for 2 years_ just to watch that pretty smile go away but he has to shove that part down, deep down and remind himself none of this is really her fault. She's just another helpless victim to Liam's little game, just another poor soul that fell in love and he can't get too mad at her for that. Liam is very easy to love.

 

When he drags his eyes from the ground back up, Liam's face is pale and he's biting his lip nervously, a guilty spark in his eye and Zayn wants to ask why he would talk to him when he knew Danielle was just a few feet away. It's like he enjoys watching break.

 

He's saved from replying though when the chimes of the door next to him sound.

 

"It's like a madhouse in there, honestly, they're just bloody sandwiches." Declan laughs, coming to stand beside Zayn and place a hand in the middle of his back.

 

"Zayn-" he hears quietly, a choked sound that has him biting his own lip between his teeth.

 

"They had a fresh batch of giant cookies though, so I got a few of those as well."

 

Zayn swallows and forces a smile because he doesn't need Declan asking questions. It gets suddenly quiet and very awkward and Zayn thinks that's his cue to suggest they go now.

 

He clears his throat. "Great, uh-we should go now."

 

Declan glances in the direction of Danielle and Liam, a question on his tongue but he doesn't ask, just nods. He takes a deep breath before looking up because he was rude enough to skip instructions but he's not rude enough not to say goodbye.

 

Liam's face is flushed, his jaw tight and his shoulders tense as he stares hotly where Declan's hand disappears behind Zayn. And Zayn's not stupid, he knows that whether Liam actually did love him or not, he did have some type of feelings towards him and he did feel a bit of ownership over him (he knows because of the constant _mine_ s Liam would mutter against his skin) and though he has Danielle standing right beside him, knowing how difficult it is for Zayn to see them together and not doing anything about it, Zayn's not going to do the same.

 

(Though another part of him sort of wants to flaunt Declan in front of Liam, show him that Zayn's not still hung up on him even though he really totally is and this is _not_ a date).

 

"Goodbye, Liam." Zayn says, his voice suddenly final and Liam's eyes fling to his and if he's trying to hide his anger he's doing a really shit job of it.

 

Danielle finally notices and touches a hand to his cheek, a "Babe, what's wrong?" but Liam moves away from the touch, crossing his arms as he glares at Zayn. Danielle frowns fiercely, stepping away from him and looking down.

 

Zayn turns and starts walking away, Declan following and his palm on his back burns through his coat.

  


::::::::

  


He's got Hatchi in his arms and he's standing in front of his door, Declan standing in front of him a bit awkwardly. After they left, Zayn's appetite gone, he apologized, telling Declan he had to get home to finish a piece for a client that he had forgot about. The lie was shit, it even sounding shit to his own ears, but Declan had this sort of understanding look on his face as he nodded, smiling a little to show no hard feelings.

 

"An ex-boyfriend?" Declan asks. It's not demanding, it's not hurt, it's not angry. It's just... curious and maybe a bit disappointed as if he knows now nothing will ever come from this.

 

Zayn shrugs. "Something like that."

 

It gets quiet again and Zayn looks down at Hatchi asleep in his arms.

 

Declan speaks up after a few long moments, his voice dipping in a bit of disappointment again but there's still this understanding in it and everything is so easy with Declan and Zayn wishes he liked him. He thinks he could have, if it wasn't for Liam. "Nothing's gonna happen, huh?"

 

And it's obvious what he's referring too. Zayn looks up, smiling a bit sadly and shaking his head. "No, it's still fresh and I'm not ready for anything at the moment. I'm sorry." and he really is because Declan was so nice to him today and he's smart and cultured and handsome and everything Zayn could maybe love if he came along at the right time.

 

"That blows." Declan laughs, stuffing his hands in the pockets of his coat. "Was really starting to like you."

 

Zayn sighs. "I'm sorry. Probably should have said something before."

 

Declan shrugs. "It's okay. Can I just. Once-" he cuts off, his eyes flickering to Zayn's lips for a moment and back.

 

He hesitates for a moment but then he nods because really, what's the harm? "Yeah." And he doesn't exactly have the desire to kiss Declan but he supposes it's the least he can do after making him buy him a sandwich that he didn't even eat. And he doesn't think it'd be so bad, at least Declan's not a stranger anymore, at least Zayn likes him (even if it's just as a friend).

 

Declan steps forward, a hand coming up so the tips of his fingers touch his jaw and Zayn has to fight a flinch because the last person to do that and the last person to be so close to him with the same intentions was Liam.

 

He's close, his lips barely a hair away when Zayn jumps and Declan pulls back abruptly at a shout of "Stop it!"

 

They both look over and Zayn's jaw drops when he spots Liam at the end of the hall, heading straight for them.

 

Declan huffs an incredulous laugh, shaking his head. "Your boys kind of unbelievable."

 

Zayn can only nod in agreement at this point.

 

Liam stops in front of them, a sharp glare on his face directed at Declan. Declan's a little taller than Liam, broader as well but Liam stands his ground, standing half in front of Zayn as if he's protecting him or something equally inane.

 

Declan snorts, putting his hands up. "Alright, mate, I get it." He puts his hands back in his pockets, looking over Liam's shoulder at him. "It was nice, Zayn. I'll see you."

 

And he leaves, both Zayn and Liam watching him step into the elevator and once he's out of sight, Liam spins towards him, an angry look on his face and Zayn feels a fire building from his toes up. He turns, holding Hatchi in one arm so he can get his key out of his pocket and open the door. As soon as he does, he sets Hatchi down and tries to close it quickly behind him but Liam's already inside, doing it for him.

 

Liam is shouting before Zayn can even start himself.

 

"Who was that?"

 

Zayn scuffs, unbuttoning his coat and hanging it in the closet. "As if that's any of your business."

 

Liam practically growls at him and snaps, "It kind of is."

 

"It kind of _isn't_." Zayn snaps back, punctuating each word, glaring back at Liam just as hard.

 

"Were you really going to kiss him?" Liam demands and he sounds disgusted and angry and Zayn can't believe the fucking nerve he has.

 

He kicks off his shoes, not caring where they end up because he's too fucking angrivated and kind of shocked. "Yes, what of it."

 

Liam's face gets tighter, practical steam coming out of his ears.

 

"He's practically twice your age!" Liam shouts, his arms flailing. "He doesn't like you, just looking for a little twink!"

 

Zayn sucks in a sharp breath and Liam's must catch himself because he's letting out a frustrated noise and running a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean that-" he tries but Zayn shoves his chest, making him stumble back at the suddenness of it.

 

"Fuck you, Liam." He jeers.

 

"Zayn-"

 

"Shut. Up." Zayn snaps before taking a deep breath and stepping back, closing his eyes to try and control his anger.

 

"Zayn-" Liam tries again but Zayn snaps his head up, giving Liam a look that he never knew he was capable of directing at Liam.

 

"You're a bloody hypocrite, you know that, Liam?" Zayn bites out. "You're all pissed and yelling at me because I almost kissed another man and we're not even doing anything anymore, yet when we were, you were with Danielle! Still living with her, spending every day with her, sleeping with her, kissing her, _fucking_ her?"

 

"No!" Liam cuts off immediately. "I told you, we haven't-

 

"You know what, Liam, you can say that but that doesn't mean I'll believe you. You lied about everything else." Liam remains silent, glaring at the floor. "You're an arsehole and you've got quite some nerve to think it's okay to come here and yell at me for hanging out with someone when we, you and I, are _nothing_!"

 

It feels rather nice yelling at Liam, finally letting him know all the things he kept inside. And he doesn't think he's quite finished yet.

 

"And what about you? Back at the deli?" Zayn continues to argue. "Danielle was practically hanging off you right in front of me and you didn't do shit about it? At least I had the decency to leave when Declan showed up."

 

"Okay, yeah, that wasn't cool but I didn't know what to do! I didn't want to just walk away with her and leave you behind, I thought that'd be even worse!" And Zayn can understand that a little bit but Liam's left him for Danielle plenty of other times, what makes this time any different?

 

"Maybe but it wouldn't have hurt worse than every time you kicked me out of your house before, you didn't seem to think twice about those times." He crosses his arms, trying to take a steady breath because the pain is coming back and his eyes are beginning to sting and he doesn't want to cry again, especially not in front of Liam.

 

"You know that's not true, Zayn! You know I didn't want to do that-"

 

"Maybe I don't know that. All I know is that every time you did it made me feel like you didn't care, like you were just jerking me around some more but I dealt with it because I was so desperately in love with you and I wanted to believe the things you told me _so badly_. But now I don't know what the truth is or how to feel!"

 

He pauses to think, to organize his thoughts because they're flying everywhere. He presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and exhales another tired breath before looking at Liam again, feeling utterly exhausted already.

 

"I can't keep missing you-" he stresses, hating how defeated and weak he sounds but not bothering to hide it because he's tired of hiding and Liam needs to hear it, he needs to not only know but hear what he's done to Zayn. "-and wanting you when I can't have you and you can't expect me to. It's not fair! I'm trying to get over you, trying to move on and you want to ruin that and I don't get it, Liam! What do you want from me?" He's got tears flowing down his face now and he hates how Liam can reduce him to this state so easily. He hates how Liam can choose whether he's happy or broken.

 

"Z, you're right, you're right and I'm so _so_ sorry I made you feel that way, I never wanted to hurt you. I was being selfish but I never lied about the way I feel about you. I was just confused because I didn't even know I was _into_ guys until you but I was already dating Danielle, I was already in love with her, and I had to try and figure out what I was feeling for you at the same time." Liam explains, both looking and sounding desperate just for Zayn to understand. He moves closer but Zayn takes a step back because he's not ready to let his guard down, he's not going to let Liam say these things and then jump into his arms.

 

"And I'll admit," Liam continues. "A part of me didn't want to be into guys. I was scared and I was trying to convince myself I was straight, that Danielle was who I wanted, even while I was with you. But I knew, inside, that it was you who I wanted in the end."

 

"Then why did you let me walk away?" Zayn finally asks, quietly. He doesn't like how small he sounds, how insecure but this is something that has been bothering him, has given him so much self-doubt. He needs to ask.

 

Liam visibly swallows. "I told you, I wasn't ready to let Danielle go yet."

 

"Did you lie?" Zayn asks even though he's afraid of the answer. "Did you lie when you said you love me?"

 

Liam's face falls completely and he looks guilty, his hand lifting like he wants to reach out and touch him but dropping back by his side like he knows he can't. "No, I never lied about that."

 

Zayn doesn't say anything, not really sure how to respond. He wants to believe Liam but there's so much working against his argument that Zayn finds it near impossible.

 

"When I said I wasn't sure I was ready to let her go," Liam says, "it was because I wasn't sure I was ready to accept myself, not because I didn't love you. I should've sorted myself before I dragged you into my mess."

 

"I can't-" Zayn takes a shaky breath, looking at the floor. "I want to believe you, Li, but you're still with her so obviously you're still not ready to accept yourself and I won’t put myself back in that position."

 

"But I think I have accepted myself." Liam tells him almost desperately, a disbelieving smile on his face, like he can't believe he's made it to this point. "These two months without you have been the worst, Z. I've barely slept or eaten, I couldn't get you out of my mind and it kind of forced me to finally acknowledge who I am and accept it because I knew I could never have you again unless I did. And seeing you with that _guy_ -" the word practically snarled. "Only reinforced it."

 

Zayn's not going to lie, his words do take away a little bit of the hurt, replaces them with a dim hope but he's not going to let it get any further than that because he doesn't want to be disappointed again. "What about Danielle?"

 

Liam shakes his head. "Don't want her, only you."

 

The words should excite him, should make him smile, give him some faith but he's heard similar words before and he's not going to trust them without any action. "I can't be with you, in any way, Liam, until you leave her. Until she's out of your house, out of your life. I need to see it, not hear it."

 

Liam reaches out again, not pulling back this time when Zayn flinches away, and touches Zayn's jaw softly. "You will."

 

Zayn allows himself a weak moment to turn into the touch, to feel Liam's skin against his own, his heart stuttering in his chest, before he steps back.

 

"You should go." He says though that's the last thing he wants.

 

Liam nods, understanding and there's an excited glimmer in his eye. "Okay, but I'll be back, I promise."

 

Zayn wants to tell him promises don't mean much to him anymore, but he swallows the words down and watches Liam go.

  


::::::::

  
  


"Sooo..." Harry drawls and climbs over the back of the couch, plopping down beside him on the cushions.

 

Zayn doesn't look away from his book as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and repeats, "Sooo..." in a very disinterested tone of voice.

 

Harry pokes his shoulder. "So, how was your date yesterday?"

 

Zayn shrugs. "Fine."

 

"So it was a date!" Harry exclaims. He brings his legs under him and angles his body towards Zayn.

 

"Was not a date." Zayn returns.

 

"It was a date." Harry argues rather dismissively. "Now, what did you guys do?"

 

Zayn sighs and closes his book, realizing it is very unlikely that Harry is going to go away without some form of juicy gossip. He sets the book on the coffee table and looks over at Harry, squinting his eyes as he wonders if he should tell him. He definitely needs to talk about it, the whole thing has been itching at him all day, but he's not sure how Harry will take it.

 

"I saw Liam." He decides and Harry's answering wide eyes show him that was the last thing Harry expected to come out of his mouth. "I talked to him."

 

Harry adjusts his position so his legs no longer sit underneath him but he remains facing Zayn, his eyes never moving from Zayn's as he does it though. "How'd that go?" he sounds a bit scared, like he's expecting the worst and for Zayn to burst into tears or something equally pathetic.

 

Zayn sits back against the cushions more, rests his hands in his lap along with his gaze. He shrugs, "About as well as you'd think."

 

Harry picks up on the sarcasm and his face turns sympathetic as he scoots closer, sliding an arm behind him and dropping his cheek onto Zayn's shoulder.

 

"We argued a bit." He continues, actually finding himself wanting to talk about it now. "He saw me with Declan."

 

"Ah shit." Harry says, lifting his head to look at Zayn interestedly.

 

Zayn chuckles. "Yeah, think he got jealous. He stopped us from kissing and like, glared at Declan until he left. It would have been hot if I wasn't so pissed off about it."

 

"You guys kissed?" Harry gasps, his face lighting up and Zayn rolls his eyes.

 

"Almost and that's besides the point, Harry."

 

Harry huffs but settles down. "Alright, alright. What happened after?"

 

Zayn shrugs again, looking back down. "We yelled at each other a bit but like, he told me these things and like, I think he might actually get rid of her this time, Hazza."

 

He feels like a child, the foolish hope in his voice, the way he can't quite help but smile a little. But then he looks at Harry he sees the concern on his face, the doubt and his smile fades. He can't be mad either, not at Harry, not when Harry has valid reasons for doubting Liam. Hell, Zayn has more valid reasons than Harry to doubt him but he supposes the added factor that he's in love with Liam makes him a little more apologetic.

 

He reaches over, grabs Harry's hand and squeezes. "Okay listen, I know you probably think I'm being stupid but you weren't there. It was different this time. And I told him, I told him that I couldn't be with him unless she was gone, unless I actually see that she's gone and like. He never broke up with her because he wasn't sure he was ready to accept that he wanted to be with a man but he's accepted it now. I saw it in his face, the relief, I really think he has accepted himself."

 

"Zayn-" Harry actually looks pained now and Zayn sighs.

 

"I know. Don't get my hopes up, don't let my guard down. I'm not." He stresses, looking Harry directly in the eye. "I know there's a great possibility that he could have just been talking more shit. I know that possibility is very high and a lot more likely but I don't know, H, there was something in his voice, in his face, that I never saw before. It was like he so desperately wanted me to believe him because he actually was telling the truth this time, not a lie."

 

Harry looks at him silently for a long moment and Zayn tries to decipher his face but he can't seem to. He wonders when Harry acquired this poker face and why he's choosing now to use it.

 

"Okay, Z. I hope you're right." He finally says and Zayn allows him to bring him into a hug, one that feels a lot more condescending than congratulatory. He assumes he probably sounds naive but he doesn't really care.

 

He finds himself muttering into Harry's shoulder, "Me too."

  


::::::::

  


A week goes by and nothing. He spends his time working on pieces, taking Hatchi to the dog park and hanging out with the lads but Liam is never far away from his mind and he's starting to feel really bitter about the whole thing.

 

And realistically he knows he's being unfair. Surely, it should take some time for Danielle to leave, what with her needing to find a place to go and what not but the irrational part of his brain is insisting that if Liam truly wanted to be with him then he would have kicked her out on her arse days ago.

 

He can feel himself losing that hope again, feels himself slipping under and it's not fair because he was doing well enough the first time but then Liam just had to show up again and bring Zayn right back to the starting point, just get rid of all his progress and now he has to start all over again.

 

A part of him wants to call Declan up, ask him on a date just to piss Liam off, maybe light a fire under his arse and make him work faster but he knows that wouldn't be fair to Declan so he refrains.

 

Zayn hates the way every time he looks up Harry is watching him. He always has this look on his face, like he's just waiting for Zayn to break again so he can put him back together, like he's always prepared to catch Zayn when he falls. Zayn knows he's just being a good mate, that he's worried about him but it's getting rather annoying.

 

By the middle of the second week Zayn has told himself he really needs to move on, that Liam was only lying to him again, and he finds himself sagged against the counter in the kitchen, staring at his hands and wondering why he's so fucking _stupid_. He wonders how many times he's going to let love hurt him before he finally gets it.

 

Sometime during the third week Zayn has all but given up. It's getting harder to sleep again and he suddenly wishes he never gave Louis that box because he wants nothing more than to curl up in Liam's giant hoodie and let himself suffer.

 

Louis sidles up to him at one point during the week though, throws an arm over his shoulders and grins at him. "Things will start looking up soon, Zaynie, trust me." and then he winks and disappears into another room and Zayn's left watching after him in confusion. He scoffs and takes his sandwich into his room, not giving it any further thought because really, it's Louis.

 

He's a madman on his best days and half the shit he says is either a lyric or a quote from a stupid romantic movie or song. Zayn'd be just as mad to let anything he says get to him.

 

Niall follows him into his room and gets comfortable on his bed with him, flicking the channels of the television until he settles on a generic family sitcom. He steals his sandwich when he's halfway through and cackles at the television and Zayn thinks this is just the company he needs.

  


::::::::

  


He's gearing up to leave the flat for the first time in two weeks, gonna meet up with Perrie and go for some lunch. He's got a big dark grey sweater on (because it's still pretty cold out but he doesn't want to wear a coat) and just as he's getting his shoes on, bent over with his thumb in the back to help slide his foot in, the front door swings open and knocks him in the head, sending him to the floor, landing on his bum.

 

It wasn't a hard hit but he rubs the top of his head and looks up to find the colporate so he can yell at them. But he doesn't yell because the person standing in his doorway has the words sucked right out of his mouth.

 

"Shit, Zayn. Are you okay? I'm sorry, the door was unlocked and I just- but I shouldn't have just barged in like that." Liam is starting to ramble, his face pulled down in worry. "Are you okay?" he asks again and Zayn can do nothing but stare wide eyed up at Liam.

 

It's just. He was so sure he was never going to see that face again. He kind of convinced himself that, at least. But here he is and Zayn has no idea what to think.

 

"Liam?" is all he manages to croak, his hand dropping out of his hair. He's aware he's still on the floor but he can't seem to get control of his body to pick himself up. He's shocked.

 

Liam crouches down and touches him. Zayn loses all his breath when Liam's fingers brush over his forehead, just where his hairline begins. Goosebumps prickle up his arms and a spark goes through his body at the familiarity. But then his hand is gone and the moment, that blissful moment where he felt he might actually be alive, is over.

 

"I'm so sorry, Z." Liam frowns. "Do you need some ice? I should probably get you some ice. And maybe some medicine for the pain. Christ, you don't think you've got head trauma do you?"

 

And now Liam's starting to work himself up, rambling about hospitals and possible brain damage and Zayn can't help himself, he gives into a fit of laughter and his fingers reach out and circle around Liam's wrist, tugging him back into reality.

 

"I'm fine, Li. Barely hurt." He reassures but Liam still looks hesitant, his eyes flickering to his head like he's waiting for a giant bruise to spring up like an old cartoon.

 

"You sure?"

 

"Yes." Zayn snickers. He reaches behind him and rubs his lower back. "My bum on the other hand, I dunno, landed a bit hard."

 

Liam laughs at that and Zayn can't help himself, he grins at the sound, at the view. He hadn't realize how much he's missed that loud laugh and those pushed up cheeks and things feel... they feel good. Like they will be okay. There's still that nagging voice in the back of his mind though that reminds him not to fall into this moment so easily, to keep those walls up for a little longer.

 

Liam stands suddenly, extending a hand for him to take. Zayn eyes it for a moment, a bit too scared of feeling Liam's skin rub against his own again, too afraid he won’t be able to go without his touch for a second time. Liam seems to catch on to his hesitance and wiggles his fingers.

 

"C'mon, I wanna show you something." he's smiling so sweet and genuine but Zayn can see the desperation behind it all, can see how badly he wants Zayn to take his hand and trust him, can see how afraid he is that he won’t. And Zayn-- because it's starting to look like he loves Liam more than he hates hurting himself-- takes his hand.

 

The first touch of their palms sliding together has Zayn's chest stuttering, and when Liam pulls him up and tangles their fingers together, he's forgotten how to breathe all together. There's a tingle in his fingers and he suddenly feels grounded again, like the world is beginning to turn at normal speed again and gravity is no longer pulling him _downdowndown_. He looks up from where he was staring at their linked hands (the color contrast and the perfect fit and the thumb brushing over his bird tattoo; all so familiar) and into Liam's eyes. So bright, so wide, so real and he knows whatever comes out of Liam's mouth next, he cannot deny.

 

"Come with me, Please?"

 

Zayn puts on his other shoe.

  


::::::::

  


It's silly, Liam ties one of his stupid bandanas that he loves to wear in his pockets around his eyes for the duration of the ride (Zayn has to bite his tongue to keep back that comment about that one time with that bandana because he doesn't think it'd be appropriate though he's sure Liam is thinking about it too) and when Zayn complains about having to let Perrie know not to pick him up, Liam tells him he already saw her waiting outside the building for him and told her Zayn wouldn't be able to make it.

 

He snorts. "So you just knew I would go with you then, hm?" And he's not upset though he thinks he probably should be.

 

He can feel Liam's gaze burning into the side of his face and he's so tempted to look over but he keeps his head straight and the cloth firmly tied around his head. "No. I was just hoping you would."

 

Zayn bites his lip to minimize his smile and angles his head down. "Guess you got lucky I had nothing better to do then."

 

"Oh, I'm telling Perrie you said that." Liam teases, the grin on his face evident in his voice, so light and excited.

 

Zayn sucks in a breath, turning his head in Liam's direction. "You can't, she seeks revenge!"

 

Liam snorts. "She'd probably make you go with her on one of her, as you would put it, horribly boring shopping trips."

 

"And make me carry all her bags." Zayn adds.

 

"Fine, I guess I'll spare you."

 

Zayn snorts. "My hero."

 

The car comes to an abrupt stop then and he listens as Liam takes the key out of the ignition. "Hold on." He says and then the car door is opened and closed and Zayn fumbles with his seat belt until his door is opened and he feels Liam's hand urge his away and press down on the button.

 

"Watch your head." Liam warns him as he takes his hand and begins to lead him out of the car. Zayn ducks when Liam's other hand gently urges his head down so he won’t bump it against the car and then finally he's out and Liam is moving him out of the way so he can close the door.

 

"Liam, where are we?" He asks. He tries to listen to see if he recognizes any sounds around them as Liam leads him wherever they're going but he doesn't pick up on anything. It's rather silent except for the sounds of the cars that drive by.

 

"You'll see."

 

They stop walking and Liam releases his hand and suddenly Zayn feels very weary about this situation. He knows Liam will never lead him into danger, will never intentionally hurt him, but he's blindfolded so he's allowed to be extra cautious. He wants to take Liam's hand again because he felt safer before he let him go.

 

And then he hears keys and a doorknob and that only could mean- no. No they are not at Liam's house.

 

Liam attempts to take his hand once again but now Zayn's getting angry and he pulls back. "Liam why are we at your house?"

 

"No, did you peak?" Liam sounds disappointed and Zayn reaches for the blindfold, tugging it off.

 

"No. I heard the keys and I just knew." Zayn grumbles and blinks multiple times, trying to adjust his eyes to the brightness of daylight again. Once his vision is restored to normal he finds Liam looking at him with the stupid bloody pout and Zayn could punch it off if it wasn't so adorable.

 

"It was suppose to be a surprise."

 

Zayn crosses his arms and glares because this is the last place he wanted to go. Not when he knows full well that he's only here because Danielle must have stepped out for a while.

 

"What was suppose to be a surprise?" He asks though it's snippy and he's hardly interested anymore. He just wants to go back home because it hurts being here, knowing the last time he was Liam lied and kicked him right out that door.

 

Liam's fingers brush over Zayn's arms and Zayn hates how he knows what that means. He looks up into Liam's eyes and sighs at the question in them. Trust me. Quite a request.

 

But he uncrosses his arms and allows Liam to take his hand again. He looks at the house for the first time, feeling that sadness and dread creep up his spine and those memories squeeze out from where he locked them away.

 

"Fine." He sighs and Liam's answering grin is enough to convince him that the further damage done to him today will be worth it if he can get Liam to keep smiling at him like that.

 

Liam finally leads him through the doorway and Zayn feels like he's being crushed _downdowndown_ back into the dirt again. Until.

 

Until he sees it.

 

"Liam..." Zayn says cautiously. His eyes flicker to Liam's excited face back to the view in front of him and he has no fucking idea what is going on. "Where's all your furniture?"

 

Liam squeezes his hand and Zayn looks back at him but he can't keep his eyes there for long because holy shit Liam's whole living room is missing.

 

"The beds gone too." Liam adds and Zayn's mouth literally falls open.

 

"What did you do?"

 

"I did it, Z. I actually did it."

 

"Did what?" Zayn questions, growing impatient. "Had a yard sale? Yeah, I get it, the furniture was a bit too posh, not very you but the telly, really Liam? That was my favorite part."

 

"I thought your favorite part was being with me?" Liam pouts with fake offence.

 

"Well, I mean, that was a close second."

 

His hand is dropped then and big hands angle his body so he's facing Liam. He's got a big smile on his face and his eyes are shining with excitement and Zayn is so confused.

 

"She's gone, Zayn." Liam finally tells him. "I broke up with her. Her parents gave her money to find her own flat and she took everything because she said she at least deserved that and I let her because I really don't give a fuck about that, as long as she's gone, she could have took the bloody car as well."

 

And-

 

And it's everything he's ever wanted to hear but he can't seem to process it. He's staring back at Liam, his eyes wide with the disbelief and he hates how a part of him is in denial.

 

"What?" Zayn finds himself stuttering because he needs the reassurance, he needs Liam to say it again and maybe a hundred more times because it's just too good to be true.

 

"Look." Liam commands and he drags Zayn to his bedroom, Zayn going willingly because he's lost motor control over his body. Zayn gapes at the missing bed and the missing _everything_ and Liam stops him in front of the closet and opens it and it's... well it's not empty. There's a fair share of hoodies and sweaters and various types of shirts but they're all mens and they only take up at least half of the large closet. Not a single skirt, dress, or blouse. He looks down and finds a variety of sneakers and boots but not a single one of them meant for a women.

 

And Zayn. He's kind of lost feeling.

 

"See, it's all gone." Liam turns him again with his hands on his shoulders and Zayn hasn't been manhandled like this in quite some time. He feels like he should be irritated, yell at Liam to stop but he's still trying to process what Liam's telling him. "It's all gone because of you. For you."

 

Zayn looks around and there's no way this is a lie. Liam's house has practically been gutted of its furniture including the bed. All her clothes are gone, and this... this has to be true.

 

"She's gone?" He finds himself asking though it's more of a weak whisper as his eyes finally land back on Liam.

 

He nods. "Forever."

 

"And... and you-" he doesn't exactly know how he was planning to finish that sentence but Liam seems to know as he moves closer and brushes his fingers under Zayn's jaw. His head lifts on instinct and Liam's right there smiling softly at him.

 

"And I want you and only you and I'm so sorry it took me so long to figure that out."

 

And suddenly Zayn is feeling so many different things. So much relief and fucking joy, it's exploding in his chest and spreading throughout his body until he can't control his grin and his body feels weak with it.

 

"And you're sure?" It's one last chance, one last opportunity for the truth to come out before he completely allows himself to trust Liam, to trust his eyes and the words he's hearing.

 

"More sure than I've ever been about anything." Liam tells him so completely honest. His hand cups Zayn's jaw and his eyes are so full of love and affection and it's something Zayn couldn't deny even if he wanted to.

 

All this waiting, all this stress and frustration, all this pain and it's all led him to this moment and Zayn doesn't think he would want it any other way. It was all worth it, he thinks, and he'd do it again if it meant he gets to win in the end.

 

And he's so unbelievably happy right now that he feels intoxicated with it and he starts laughing, not uncontrollably but just because there's so much joy that he has no other way to get it out. Liam's brown eyes are incredibly bright and his arms are circling around his waist, pulling him closer and Zayn has never felt this free.

 

All the outcomes of this begin to flash bright behind his eyes, his future finally something to look forward to again because Liam's there. Liam's everywhere and Zayn doesn't have to leave, he doesn't have to hide. He can go to the supermarket and hold Liam's hand, they can go to the park and snog on the grass in front of everyone, though that's probably borderline exhibitionism.

 

Whatever, the point is he can be with Liam however and whenever he wants and there's no one to take that away anymore.

 

Zayn winds his arms tightly around Liam's shoulders and he drops his forehead against Liam's collarbone and just breathes. It's like this pressure has finally been lifted from his lungs, from his chest, from his entire body and he's weightless in Liam's arms.

 

"I love you." Liam murmurs into his hair and Zayn's heart has never felt so warm and light inside his chest.

 

"I love you." He returns. He pulls his face back, angles it up and presses his lips against Liam's, sighing into the familiar touch that he's missed achingly so.

  
  


::::::::

  


He hears the door close behind him as he tugs his tie until it comes loose around his neck. He feels hands smooth over his shoulders, thumbs hooking under the collar of his long coat and he lets those hands slide the coat off his shoulders. A pair of soft lips brush the skin of his neck and shivers run down his spine.

 

"Leeyum-" He whines though the rest of his words get trapped in his throat when Liam presses his body against him from behind, lips dragging with a little more pressure.

 

Liam hums and Zayn feels the vibrations against his back. He sighs, his head tilting to the side to give Liam more room though he knows he shouldn't be giving in like this.

 

"Liam." He says again though this time more firmly. Or at least he tries but he's pretty sure it comes out strained, giving him away. "Li, stop."

 

Liam whines, the action making Zayn laugh lightly though it gets choked off when Liam presses more firmly against him and he can feel Liam's bulge against him.

 

"Sto-" he tries against but Liam grinds against him slowly and roughly at the same time. Zayn gets lost in it for nearly too long before he remembers why exactly they can't do this and tries to pull away. "No, L-"

 

But Liam's hands grip his hips, pulling him back into him with strong fingers and oh fuck-

 

" _Baby_."

 

And. Not. Fair. That is so not fair.

 

It all goes straight to his cock, the name and Liam's voice. So deep and rough but breathy and desperate at the same time. Liam's lips re-attach to his neck and the second his teeth bite down Zayn knows he needs to stop this _right now_.

 

He moves away quickly, too quick for Liam to grab at him in the last second. "Liam, no." He nearly squeaks. His chest is heaving and sweat is already breaking out on his skin. He can't look at Liam, not when Liam's face is flushed, there's a bulge in his pants, and his eyes are so dark.

 

From the corner of his eyes he sees the way Liam's shoulders sag and he looks seconds from stomping his feet and throwing a tantrum. "But Zayn-"

 

"Babe, we can't. Not when we made it this long, these last two months would have been for nothing." Zayn reasons. "We have to wait till our wedding night."

 

Liam takes a step closer but Zayn throws up a hand, pointing at him. "Ah, not any closer, mister."

 

"If we wait till our wedding night then 'm gonna just bust the second I get in you." Liam argues. "It won’t be special."

 

A part of Zayn wants to reason with it, wants to decide that Liam's got a point but that's his horny part and he's learned before that one mustn't make decisions while under that parts influence so he shakes his head.

 

"Can't we just do it quick?" Liam tries to bargain and Zayn purses his mouth to keep from grinning.

 

"No."

 

"Blowie?"

 

Shake.

 

"Handjob?"

 

Another shake.

 

Liam huffs and kicks off his shoes, slouching past Zayn. "If you need me I'm going to be taking a long and cold shower."

 

Zayn laughs and grabs Liam by the hand to stop him from walking up the stairs yet. He leans up to press a kiss to his fiance's lips.

 

"Our wedding night's tomorrow, love. You'll make it."

 

"I'm going to have a boner in front of my mother, in a bloody church." Liam grumbles. "I'm going to hell."

 

Zayn shakes his head but there's a grin on his lips as he picks up his coat that fell to the floor and hangs it up in their coat closet. He untucks his shirt from his pants, tired after a long rehearsal dinner and climbs the stairs, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes.

 

Once he's in their bedroom he lets his shirt fall from his body, his pants following quickly after. He finds a pair of joggers on the floor, doesn't know if they're his or Liam's, but pulls them on anyway and climbs into bed, getting comfortable under the covers as he waits for Liam to finish his shower and join him.

 

He can't help but smile as Liam's voice travels down the hall and into their bedroom, and he closes his eyes to listen peacefully. Though that's interrupted moments later by a loud ringing. Zayn sits up quick, climbing out bed to blindly find his dress pants in the dark and reach into the pocket to pull out his phone.

 

Harry's name stares back at him and he hits the answer button on the screen.

 

"Hey, Haz." He answers as he climbs back into bed.

 

"Hey, home yet?"

 

"Yeah, just got back."

 

Harry hums and then he hears a door closing. "I didn't get to talk to you much tonight but as your best mate and best man I have to ask, any cold feet yet?"

 

Zayn smiles a little as he balances the phone between his shoulder and his ear so he can find the ring resting comfortably on his finger. He spins it slowly, a flutter in his chest. "Not at all." He answers confidently.

 

"Good." Harry says. He's quiet for a moment before he asks in a more serious tone. "What about Liam?"

 

He knows Harry, on some level, is still waiting Liam to back out. He wont voice it, tries his best to not give it away at all but they've been best mates for a long time and Harry can hardly get anything past him at this point.

 

It's understandable though, and Zayn's definitely not mad at him for it because in all honestly, a tiny part of him is scared he might too.

 

"I don't think so." Zayn answers quietly. "I hope not."

 

Harry's been trying and it's gotten a lot better over the past 2 years. After the majority of the first year of Liam and Zayn officially being together spent avoiding Liam, Harry finally came around, though with much coaxing. They talk now, not in a way two best mates or even good mates would but in a way that potential future friends would. It's not the best but Zayn would gladly take it over the way things use to be.

 

"I talked to him tonight. Like an honest chat." Harry confesses to him. "I know things aren't great between him and I but even I can't pretend like it's not the most obvious thing in the world how much he loves you. He knows he's done a lot of stupid stuff in the past but marrying you is the best and easiest choice he's ever made."

 

Zayn swallows and takes the phone in his hand, burying deeper under the covers. "He said that?"

 

"That and a whole lot of other things that I'm still nauseous about."

 

Zayn snorts but a soft smile pulls at his lips, an ease growing in his chest. "Thanks, Haz. Needed to hear that, I won't lie."

 

He can hear Harry's own smile through the phone. "Glad I could help. I expect a child to be named after me as compensation."

 

"Of course." He laughs with a roll of his eyes. "Harry Malik-Payne. Or Harry Payne, my son will be a fucking porn star." Harry cackles on the other end.

 

"The best out there!"

 

"Like hell." Zayn laughs. "I'll see you tomorrow, you idiot." He hears a distant patter of steps coming closer and he hangs up after Harry says goodbye.

 

He can't see Liam when he comes into the room but he hears their door shut and feels the bed dip in. Liam's hand searches out his and he wraps his fingers around his wrist, pulling Zayn off his back and closer so he can press against Liam's side. He pillows his head on Liam's chest as Liam's arm comes around his shoulders.

 

"I miss Hatchi." he says on a sigh.

 

Zayn drops a kiss onto Liam's skin. "Me too but mum'll take good care of him until we get back from our honeymoon."

 

"I can't wait for our honeymoon."

 

Zayn rolls his eyes, a smile playing at his lips. "Yeah I know, so we can finally have sex."

 

Liam shuffles onto his side suddenly, his hand finding the side of Zayn's face so his thumb can run over his cheekbone. " 's not only that. I can't wait to be married to you and just be with you, alone for two whole weeks. And then I can't wait to come back home and be with you for the rest of my life. Nothing sounds better than that."

 

His chest is warm, stomach in knots. He locks fingers with Liam's somewhere under the blankets and scoots closer, tangling their bodies together.

 

"I love you so much."

 

A kiss is pressed against the top of his head and Zayn sighs happily. "I love you too, more than you'll ever know. I'm sorry I wasted so much time when we could have had this all along."

 

Zayn squeezes his hand gently, his smile small and soft. "You needed the time, love." He says. "Besides, you were worth the wait."

**Author's Note:**

> Lay it on me, what'dya think?


End file.
